When Awkward Shit Hits the Normal Fan

So you've just said/done/ate something awkward and it was um, less than well-received. Here's some suggestions to rectify the sitch (yes, as in situation):

• "You know, I used to smoke PCP. I was really crazy then."
• "I just did that to see what you would do. And you gave me a weird look. That's good. Like, you're not weird because you thought that what I just did was weird. But it was supposed to be, get it?"
• "My parents were drug addicts."
• "I'm an only child. And I was home-schooled. By my aunt. She was home-schooled too."
• "Yeah, I did that. And I liked it. A lot. Stop looking at me."
• "My friends actually appreciate my quirkiness. You know, I have friends."
• "When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead."
• "You're looking at me like 'how could I do that' but I think the look you should be giving me is 'why did I do that.' It's the whys in life that matter, kiddo. The hows are just so ordinary."
• "Whatever, I saw you pick your nose yesterday and eat it. Checkmate."
• "Haha! Tell me honestly, was that a scary-weird thing I did or like kind-of-cool-in-a-strange-way thing I did? My acting coach says I need to work on awkward moments. Thought I'd just try it out on you. So? Feedback, feedback!"
• "If we were in the future and you were blind, that wouldn't have really happened...I mean in a philosophical sense, you know?"
• "You have cat hair all over you and I didn't look at you like that when you walked in this morning."
• "I was hired to do things like that. Office comic-relief. Laugh all you want, I get more benefits and I just heard you were getting canned. No, but actually, you're fired. I can do that. I just did."
• "Or I could be boring like you, thumbs-up!"
• "If I pay you $10 bucks, can you not tell anyone about that?"
• "Wow. So much for Casual Fridays, eh? Loosen up Warden."
• "Wait. Mulligan!"
  
• "I'm originally from Canada, humor doesn't translate well."
• "In office-life, I smile at you and pretend to like you. In real-life, it's hate. Get away from me, I have boundary issues."
• "That was really weird. I'm hoping that because I'm letting you know that I think what I just did was weird that you'll excuse it, because at least I'm aware. I can't be all nuts if I know I'm nuts, right?"
• "I'm sure it wasn't as awkward for you to watch that as it was for me to do. Don't judge."
• "It was people like you in high school that make me do things like that now. Thanks. Life's been hard, but I manage pretty well, wouldn't you say?"
• "I might be crazy, but you're dumb and you can't pass that off as art."