On Awkward Abuse

Yes, you read that right. Awkward Abuse. One can define this as an act that actually qualifies as abuse, but is done in such an awkward way that the abuser at hand rarely comprehends the act as abusive, despite your blatant bruise or bleeding kidney. Think of Elaine from Seinfeld. You know that whole , "GET OUT!" shtick where she's so shocked that she pushes whatever unsuspecting character clear across the room out of her amazement at the situation. Insert laugh track and you have a great sitcom, but in real-life, it's not always so funny. I have a friend (I always write about a friend I have, so it seems like I have many, but I don't. The ones I have are just very, um, multi-dimensional and perhaps insane.). Anyway. This friend. She gets really excited about things. Today, she's going on a date with this guy. But the excitement she has about this event, is, less than cool. Because she comes barrelling in the door and pounces on whomever is seated helplessly on the couch watching DrugYears on VH1. Great, she's excited! But my liver's been punctured and I need a doctor. The most frustrating aspect of this behavior is that she isn't even aware of the pain she's inflicted. What are you to do in this situation?

Or there's that roommate who hasn't quite learned that punching you in the arm actually hurts, that you know it's like a tough-pound-we're-tight kind of thing, but you leave wincing like a little bitch, almost crying in the confine of your room. Or the little drunk bitch who's a friend of a friend of a friend who's always there when you don't want her to be and she smacks you everytime you tell a joke and by default, you've stopped telling jokes because you're afraid of the abuse that will surely come your way if you're funny and so you sit there like a somber asshole because you don't want this little 'technically-a-midget-girl' to come at you with her smack-happy hand. But what are you to do because she's doing it with a smile on her face like what you just said was so funny it hurts her and now she wants you to feel that pain you've unintentionally placed on her intentionally by her.

Then there is the awkward verbal and emotional abuse. That friend who says funny things that hurt your feelings. I had a friend who always said "Oh my God, kill yourself!" if you said something kind of stupid. And it was funny! Until we ran into someone who was actually depressed and then it was, uh, not so funny. She also said things like "No Friends!" and "Wow, you suck!" but in funny kind of ways. She'd say it and everyone laughs, except you, the person she's said it to, because you're looking for a window to jump out of. Are you too sensitive? Can you not take a joke? No. You have just been a victim of awkward abuse. Check the warning signs:

1.) Has a friend ever hurt you for saying something nice or funny?
2.) When going to a bar with the suspected awkward abuser, do you leave feeling like you just watched 'Scared Straight'?
3.) Do you worry when your friend comes out of the bathroom that she will flick her water all over you after she's watched her hands because she thinks its funny but its annoying and now you look a lot drunker than you are because you're wet at a bar?
4.) Do you flinch after you say something 'shocking' in the presence of this friend?
5.) Do you intentionally cower when your friend is excited about things, starts yelling things and comes hurriedly up to you? And are you cowering to protect your internal organs?
6.) After hanging out with friend for a little while, must you go into the bathroom and recite the positive affirmations to yourself that your therapist has had you tape to your mirror?
7.) Do you have bruises in the shapes of happy faces or exclamation marks?
8.) Does this friend burp and blow it on you?
9.) Do you wake up in the morning with scratches on your legs and arms and you were not drunk the night before?
10.) Has friend ever given you a 'noogie sandwich' that actually made your scalp bleed?

If so, I'm sure there's a hotline. Awkward abuse is real. And real annoying.