So, How Awkward Are You? (Dining Experiences)

1.) You haven't got the cash! Imagine saying that with a silly British accent and a Hugh Grant wince-smile. Except you aren't British and you helplessly resemble an unattractive Howard Stern. You're a bum and now you have to run. But of course the date you paid to eat with you is wearing those plastic-soled heels within which are dead fake plastic fish. And she's still got that deposit. You can (a) offer to wash dishes like you learned how to in juvie (b) risk a credit identity theft and leave the fish or (c) Excuse yourself, tell your 'date' to excuse herself and swap clothes in the handicapped bathroom, instructing her (now him) to duck outside, while u traipse back on your sea creatures to your table and feign being stood-up (shake the goldies as you push out some mascara tear tracks).

2.) Oh you're a vegetarian? Well why the hell would you try my ground pork hummus? But he's sophisticated and normal and your vegan ways (which you recently figured out has also just been an extension of your irrational OCD/eating order) will surely not translate well. So you either gotta barf, freak or pass out. But you're a loving, compassionate, possible-bestiality-experimenting type gal. Shaking in your patchouli-infused-hemp-dress you must make a move. You can (a) politely spit whatever pig ass you just ate into your napkin and cough like 'oops!' (b) let all the crazy hippy-shit get to your head and pull out your PETA pamphlets on slaughter houses in mid-California, while grabbing the extra supply of Kambuchi you brought along just in case something so 'tragic' and 'insensitive' happened on account of yet another 'mid-west-murderer' or (c) You can shove the rest of the food into your mouth, like all of it from his plate, smile big with bits of food falling out, maybe even bit a piece of it on your nose and make an animal noise akin to the one you're eating and swallow it all down with a shot of Jim Bean because you're so experimental and "open to new things" (run quick to the bathroom, like the endangered whales in Alaska, you're about to blow a lot more than hot air).

3.) Dining with Humpty Dumpty. You just can't keep it together, you old sailor you. You've got pasta sauce on your pants, your date is drenched in red-wine and the waiter has referred to your plate as the Battle of Mignon. Except you laughed so hard at that that you knocked your glass over and shards are everywhere. Getting out of this awkward mess is like a mine-field of potential mishaps. But you're a good guy! You just couldn't accentuate that over all the shattering, breaking and spilling. You've either gotta save face or save your date from severing her pulmonary artery. You can (a) dab at her dress in inappropriate places like you did the last time this happened and hope she enjoys being groped by short, bald clumsy men (b) shoot yourself in the foot and tell her about all the other horrible dates, assume that she thinks this is a horrible date (which she by now has because she's checking her phone and her watch and asking the waiter for the check and looking to see if anyone has noticed the two of you together) and deem yourself "Humpty Dumpty," which she will surely later tell her friends and you will forever be that 'Humpty Dumpty' guy she went to dinner with that one time and ruined her favorite dress or (c) You can take her water glass (which has miraculously been left unscathed and standing despite all the flailing you've done with the rest of the tableware) and throw it clear across the room. Avoid people who might be in the way (no need for an unnecessary law-suit), give her a big wink and say as raspily as you can, that you live for thrills. Grab her hand, throw some hundreds on the table and skip out into the street (steal a motorcycle for extra effect but ditch it as soon as the wine wears off unless you want someone else to be behind you later tonight, like maybe in a cell bunk with some guy named Stevie. Being cool has its limits. And you know how the old saying goes: no need getting butt raped over spilt wine.)

If you picked (c) for any of these, we worship you and wish you'd blog for us or at least tell us an awkward story (you're like the cool guy of the awkward set and I'd totally let you have my seat at the next D&D game). If we had any gold-stars, we'd award one to you. If you picked the others, you can at least stick around to laugh at the rest of us. Awk on.