Awkward Survival: Saving Awkward Face. (Also Known As Lying.)

Ok, ok. So we go on and on about awkward moments, movies, foods, laughs, etc. But maybe it's about time we had a post for how to be less awkward--that is, if you can help it. Like the DARE program, we're going to set up some awkward scenarios (about once a week, no promises) that you can hopefully bypass should they ever happen to you (And no, unfortunately we won't be bringing in the K-9s and the thinly granulated sugar that looks like coke for in-class demonstration. I know, I always thought the stuff was real, too.)

Awkward Scenario of the Week: Don't you know ANYTHING? (feigning intelligence)

Snarker: Of course, you've read Orwell's essays right? (condescending look)

You: (nervous, flushed, possible ball sweat) Um. Yeah (Of course, you haven't.)

Snarker: Really? Which ones? (skeptical)

You: (FUCK!) [pretend to struggle here remembering which ones] It was soo long ago. Like national...? (Only an idiot doesn't know who Orwell is, so go with what you know. State, government, writing would have also worked--and if something doesn't just feign can't-rememberance)

Snarker: (Can't hold back his snarking) Notes on Nationalism?! (pleased with himself for being so smart, maybe a little ticked that you are too.)

You: Yeah. (don't try to elaborate here. Maybe throw in a That's it! I knew it was national something, but do not try to pretend to know the content)

Snarker: I mean, he was so smart, all that stuff with Vietnam going on. He educated me, you know? And that was 50 years ago...(blah blah blah). [Just say yes and when snarker gets all worked up about something be like YEAH! as if you knew what the hell was going on. Check your watch--you're late!] Oh man, I'm so sorry I totally have to go _________. Let's talk about this tomorrow. [Go home and read the essay before tomorrow--look up key criticisms and metaphors on SparkNotes or something so you can Snark the Snarker. And now, just because you have read the essay, doesn't mean you can go and Snark to someone else. Instead of being an ashole, why don't you just recommend it to someone and give yourself a good pat on the back? Also, our gold-star stock is running low, apologies.]