Have you ever found yourself in one of these:1.) Junkie Love. Except you're not a junkie, he is. And yes it is kind of weird that he almost turned purple at the movies last night. Or that you only see him beofre 6pm--and after 5pm. Where's all his furniture gone? "I don't need it" he says but now you can't call him because his phone's gone too, and no he doesn't know what communism is. Does the sex last for more than an hour? Does he kind of smell? Be honest. Do you think he may be narcoleptic? Has he ever asked you if you were CPR certified? Has he all of a sudden 'contracted diabetes' but still drinks Slurpees? Congratulations you are in a junkie-love-awkward-as-hell relationship. Wear condoms if he can get it up.
2.) Emotional Carcass Love. Were you the first to say I love you, initiate a date, follow up with a second date, make all of the calls, write the e-mails and talk about marriage? Does your girlfriend eye fuck your best friends? Have you told your girlfriend that you want to kill yourself and she smiles at you and says "you're always so serious." Do you find yourself asking your girlfriend about her feelings, but you're a guy and you hate feelings already and this is what it's come to? Have you created a drunken scene because your girlfriend looks at you like you're a creep who's hitting on her when you've been dating for three years? Did your friend, relative, enemy, die and your girlfriend called you a 'Debbie Downer'? When you have sex, does she say someone else's name or put an 'I hate you' before your own name? You're dating an emotional carcass and its awkward because you've turned into a pansy bitch. Get out before you do something crazy, like carry pieces of her hair around in your back pocket (If you're already doing this, refer to #3, because this is what you are and should stop before the restraining order is issued).
3.) CoDependent-Creepy-Stalker-Obsession Love. Pretty much the opposite of #2. Does your boyfriend cry more than you do? Does he wear your old high school sweatshirt with your last name on it, but you never gave it to him, he just "found it"? Does he dry hump random body parts of yours in public? Do you ever have to apologize to the people around you because he's got his hand on your crotch? Does he make you say 'I love you" exactly five times before he can let you go to sleep? Do you wake up in a headlock? Do you know where your friends are? Do you know who your friends are? Have your heads dissappeared from all of your pictures? Has he ever claimed to have been suicidal 'because of you'? Does he say he knows you better than you know yourself? Does his cutting your name into his chest scare you? For God's sake I hope so. RUN.
4.) The Manic-Depressive Love. Does she jump for joy when you come home on Mondays? On Tuesdays does she refer to you as the 'bane of her existence?' Have you ever taken her to Disney Land because she was about to jump off the roof of your building? Did she end up enjoying Disney Land too much (did she buy the Minnie ears?) Do you hold your breath when you open the door to your aprtment? Have you ever been hit by her thrown shoe? Does she mention her therapist in most conversations? Has she ever placed Holy Water on you while you were sleeping? Have you woken up to her having sex with you and it was creepy because you had a mjor fight last night and she was sleeping on the couch? Has your landline telephone been broken more than twice? When she writes in her journal does she ever rip the paper with her pen? Has she made you breakfast in bed and then cried because you asked for salt? Do you constantly have to defend her sanity to your friends, her friend, the neighbors? Does she tell her dog how angry she is at you in a cute voice while you're right there in the room? Sleep with one eye open.
5.) The I'm-Better-Than-You,-You-Awkward-Freak-Love. Has your boyfriend ever scoffed at you because you said a band name wrong? Have you told a joke and when you've finished he apologizes to his friends? Does he know anything about you beside your hair color? Are his eyebrow arches constantly set at extra high? Have you had to lie about knowing something because he looks at you bewildered when you start to say"No, I've never heard..." Does he check out other girls while out? Does he ask them if they like Kierkegaard? Have you used Wikipedia more than the bathroom since you've started dating? Does he talk about himself in the third person? Do all of his sentences start with "I was checking out this new _______"? Does he have mother issues? Is he usually in a blazer? Does he wear shoes without socks? Do strangers cry after conversations with him and is he laughing? Burn his easel, nothing not-awkward will come from this.
Give us others. (one-minute man? yoga-freak chick?) onwardawkward@gmail.com
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