How To Break the Awkward News Gently

You've got a situation on your hands. Maybe your friend refuses to cross her legs when sitting in a dress. Perhaps you have a roommate who 'scratches' his nose too much in public. Whatever the case, it's always awkward telling someone you love (or like enough) to correct their socially unacceptable behavior. And we're not talking cool socially-unacceptable behavior--I mean the kind of thing that actually troubles you...that makes you go into the bathroom and dry heave or takes up multiple pages in your journal. So here's how I'd do it: (warning: please attempt at your own risk).

• "Ok. The farting thing was funny that time in college, like when it was an accident. But actually it smells really bad. And farting on command isn't a talent, it's actually kind of gross. I'm not crying with laughter, my tear ducts are trying to filter themselves out from the toxic odor emitting from your ass. Maybe you can save it for 'you-time' ya know? I'm tired of smelling your daily carb intake."
• "Hey your sniffling's getting a little out of control. At first, I was like 'how cute!' you have alittle sniffling cold. But it's gotten really bad. It sounds like you're trying to suck your nsoe into your brain. I can actually hear your mucus hit the sides of your nasal cavity. Quite honestly, I've started to grow weary of being around you because I fear one day I might get sucked up through your nose. And the worst is when I can hear you swallow it or see you chew on it. Dude, it's called Tylencol Cold and Flu. I mean, I'll buy it for you, for all of us who have to suffer."
• "I dig that you really like your food. I mean, that's totally cool--go food! I just get kind of nauseous when I can hear you mushing in your mouth. It sounds like something horrible. It's ok to swallow before you've mashed the thing in your mouth. I know CPR. Honestly, it sounds like masturbation--but it's coming from your mouth and it's completely unappetizing. Please close it up or force it down."
• "So I was walking into the abode today and I almost broke my face. Yeah! I kind of slipped on this substance right out on our walkway. Except it was goopish and green. And then I realized it most likely came from you beacuse you kind of have this annoying habit of emptying your sinuses on our front stoop. One, you should get out for an infection, two, you need to find a better receptacle or else I'm suing your ass when I end up a quadrapalegic becuase you're sliming the place up."
• "Ok, listen. Some things warrant high-fives. But not everything. You've become the high-five guy who everyone ignores because a high-five's just not appropriate at a funeral, at the opera. When I say something funny, I don't need your little high-five confirmation. If I see the hand again, looming there, waiting to be hit, I will fracture it. I'm just warning you before it happens."