Analyzing the Awkward Silence: Cricket, Cricket.

We've all experienced it before, that uncomfortable, unbearable silence that comes either right before saying or having said something strange. Maybe you're just coming down and you realized that the guy you're getting high with isn't as funny as he was 20 minutes ago. Maybe you're sober and no one is funny because they're all high and your not. Maybe you hate drugs and if we were talking right now, you and I, and I brought up the topic of drugs, you'd be forced to retort with a throat-clearing, and uneasy shift in your glance and a rearranging of your pants-crease and we'd both just sit here looking not at each other, but at the other things around us because of the tension between us. Whatever the case, surely you get what I'm referring to. It's that moment when someone makes fun of a name and it turns out to be your mother's name or when you comment on how you think eating disorders are disgusting and the girl you say it to looks up at you with hatred because she just upchucked her BLT an hour ago. Let's take a closer look at these awkward silences and the various forms they take on:

Awkward Silence #1: Boring People Attract Boring Silences. This is quite possibly the most common form of awkward silence. Maybe it's your first one-on-one with the person. You've already discussed the weather, maybe a song that just came on the radio while on your way to the coffee place for your impromptu date. But now you're at the coffee place and although there's a whole realm of things to talk about, you can't for the life of you, think of a damn thing. So you stir your coffee with the stupid wood stick and despite the fact that you've stirred it so hard there are actual wood shavings in your grande wet cappucino, you stir on because even if your brain can't think like it should and carry this conversation a beat further, your coffee will be well-blended (and perhaps a little painful). So there you two sit, catching each other's eyes because you're like c'mon you fucking idiot, speak--but he's doing that too--and you both raise your eyebrows like 'wow, isn't this awkward' but you can't even say that because the silence has taken over and you two are its sorry little victims. There won't be a second date, but there will be 20 more unbearable minutes of this awful silence before your friend comes in, unknowingly rescuing you from the confines of your own silent thoughts (and those exceptionally hairy and notably flexible eyebrows of his.)

Awkward Silence #2: Jinx! Silence. This is that awkward silence that comes after you and an over-excited friend say the same thing at the same time and it's not that funny. It's not like haha buy me a coke! It's like wait, why did you say that too, did you say that? And maybe you aren't even really good friends and now both of your over exuberance has cancelled each other out so there you sit, you and your like-minded not-friend in a bog of sameness, confused by how to pick the conversation back up from where you've both exploded it. And then you start to examine the other person quietly; wow, that was stupid of him to get so worked up about that, but this hyper-criticism slowly begins turning inward because you said the same thing, remember? And now you sit in silence because you think that you're just as big of a moron as he is and you're rightfully assuming that he's thinking you're as a big of an idiot as he had just been. And really, Albert Hammond Jr.'s solo CD wasn't really that good and now you feel like maybe you were just overly mockward and it wasn't actually this big of a deal, but you've let the silence continue for so long (or has he?) and now things are just genuinely awkward and you must suffer the consequences.

Awkward Silence #3: Text Silence. "Lol....?" C'mon. This has happened to you. You'll be in a furious text convo with someone--maybe you're going off about that smelly roommate and you either 1) cross the line ("like wht, doez he hav anal fish or somethn?") or 2.) just say something lame ("I luv txtin u bout smelly, im so glad were frendz dude"). And now that you've sent the stupid message into the world, the response is unbearably awkward because there, um, isn't one. And you sit there all of sudden analyzing every little thing you texted him, cursing your stupid little fingers for typing that message out and compulsively checking your phone on minute-and-a-half-increments to which you find your text mailbox empty. This silence is also conniving because you think 'whatever man, fuck him, that was funny,' and laugh and decide to get over it, enjoy the rest of your day--but you can't. You try, oh you try! to ignore your phone, stick it in your pocket or leave it in your car. But the second you're near it, in the vicinity of the evil electric little device, the compulsion takes over and there you are scrolling through your texts like a madman before finally mustering up an awkward text that goes something like, 'what u up 2?" And you pray for a response.

Awkward Silence #4: Uh...you're really fucking high. Ah, college (nostalgic, isn't it?). This silence happens when you and your friend or some homeless guy in the LES decide to smoke yourselves stupid. There you are packing and repacking the bowl, hitting it until you can hardly see because this is gonna be so much fun! You're gonna get fucked up! But then--all of a sudden--you just feel really, really awkward and maybe you're too high to be alive or in the company of other people and here you are stuck with this gross old man on a park bench and you want to run away but he's holding your stash, repacking the bowl for you again and again and you were always taught to hold your own when it comes to drugs, but OMFG this is awkward. Everything you say doesn't make sense ("Like sometimes, I just want to do somethings, you know, like read a book in the snow, or eat pizza for breakfast and...) and you just trail off in all of your mid-sentences because you forgot what the hell you were talking about and why can't you say anything how you meant to say it in your head and why can't you get out of your head and would this fucking guy stop packing the bowl? So you sit there high as fuck and just hope it passes soon, because you're either going to pass out or get really depressed in thirty seconds if someone doesn't say something that doesn't scare you.

Awkward Silence #5: Wow, did you really just say that? You aren't a racist or homophobic or an elitist. Maybe your gay, Indian, and poor, but what you just said was so ignorant, stupid and out-of-nowhere that you sit there stunned yourself after you blurt it out at happy hour. Everyone else is obviously disgusted by your comment and sits there silently fuming that they would even be around a guy who says things like that. Maybe even one of them whipped their cell-phone out and began furiously texting one of their friends ("like who sys tht?"). And your consequence, you pseudo-arrogant asshole, is to sit in your own ignorance. The worst part is there's no telling how long this silence could stretch on--it'll feel like forever, that's for sure. But people say stupid things and it'll blow over as soon as someone else pulls a 'you.' Depending on what you said, police could be called, you could get hit, a bar fight might ensue, and other threats to your physical well-being may be prevalent, so just hope the awkward silence of it will be the worst you get. And think. Think. Before talking next time.