Awkward Laughs (Haha)

Because it was funny, until that laugh started. Some of the basics:

1.) The Are-You-Dying-Laugh. Sounds like choking, barfing, swallowing toxic waste. All of a sudden there is a lot less humor and a lot more concern for laugher's well being.
2.) The Too-Loud Laugh. Holy Shit. Keep it down. We're at a restaurant and everyone is having a good time except someone has called the police per noise complaint. Everyone is looking over, but not because of the witty comment, because of the unreal noise coming from your mouth. Eardrums hurt, please be quiet.
3.) The Burst Laugh. Whoa, did you just hiccup, have a little mental break? Because the laugh so loud and quick and unexpected that you're not even sure if that really happened now and you're inching...inching...toward the door and away from the closet-psychotic person.
4.) The Honking Laugh. Like a goose, but you're a person. (?)
5.) The Non-Laugh Laugh. Um, that was actually funny--what was just said. Like really funny. Everyone is rolling and cool guy over here makes a little noise in his throat and a tight smile. Totally killed the joke and the mood and now nothing's funny, just awkward. Awkward.
6.) The Are-You-Crying-Laugh. Need tissues? Wait, you're actually shedding tears, but your laugh really sounds like sobbing. And everyone else has stopped laughing to see if you're alright, if something terrible happened. Great. Now everyone is uneasy because no one likes being a bully.
7.) The Not-Laughing-And-Just-Saying-That's-Funny-Not-Laugh. If it was so funny, maybe you should have laughed. But saying 'that's funny' makes things really not-funny. Because funny things usually are followed by bouts of laughter, not verbal confirmations that a funny thing was said. Stop up on Prozac, you're weirding everyone out with your robotic communication skills.
8.) The-This-Laugh-Will-Never-End-Laugh. Ok, ok it was funny. You're right. It was funny, but now you're laughing at me, trying to get me to laugh more and I'm good, really. I've laughed all I can laugh, but you're egging me on with your constant laughing and now I'm just pissed because I'm over it and I wish you would be too.
9.) The Phony-Car-Salesman-Laugh. If you didn't think it was funny, how about just not laughing? The fake laugh, like yelling is irritating and weird. And don't take that extra step to hold your stomach and wipe your eyes that aren't tearing. Don't look at me to make you actually laugh because I'm looking at you bewildered that you'd even think anyone would buy that lame laugh you're passing off as authentic. Especially when I know for a fact you hate that guy.
10.) The Silent Laugh. Like you're shaking, convulsing even, but there isn't a sound. No, we aren't at the library, we're at a comedy show and you're sitting there gyrating like an epileptic in strobe lights. Actually, you're kind of turning blue and I wish you'd make a sound because who knows if you kicked that heroin habit and it's kind of embarrassing because surely, you're about to explode, implode, or retch all over somebody. It's cool buddy, release the beast.
11.) The Ho-Ho-Ho-Laugh. It's July and you can replace all your 'ha's' with 'ho's'. You aren't jolly even, you're a 23 year old guy bordering on emaciated. So why are you laughing like you have jowls and a spectacle? Please stop, you're scaring the kids.
12.) The Wow-That-Was-Inappropriate-Laugh. Laughing to someone's 'I've got cancer' joke isn't cool because it, um, wasn't a joke, Ace. If you find yourself laughing when those around you are either crying or glancing at you horrified, you're probably an unappropriated laugher. Just so you know, it's not really ok to laugh at funerals or ICU wings.