Awkward-ature: The Pornographer's Poem

Ah, liberty. This book is hands down, impossible to put down for a slew of reasons. For one, the premise of the book is about some 7th graders who are given film instruction by a liberal teacher in the 70's. Sounds harmless, right? Except it's not at all. The narrator at the onset of the book is being interviewed by detectives for producing home-made porn. Awesome. This book is grotesque, sexual, explicit, amazing. It explores different sexualities, societal norms (for one the liberal teacher is black in an all-white public school and another teacher mentioned is an alleged child-molester who may or may not be an innocent homosexual.) The narrator of this book is extremely cool. Like, I kind of want to be him. He listens to awesome music, smokes a lot of pot, and dun-dun-dun--makes porn! Also, he fucks with the detectives a la Kevin Spacey in Usual Suspects. Dude, just read it. And talk about awkward--travelling with this guy (who never actually reveals his name) as he has sex for the first time, receives his first blow-job, has his first sam-sex hook up, and eventually tapes an older married couple having sex with an animal--sending him into a srot of seedy, avant-garde lifestyle of porn, drugs, and thugs. What what. A-mazing. Read, read, read. (Oh yeah, also hard to get...check out softskullpress.com) And as usual, check out some of the text that will literally fuck you up. First, background to paragraph--narrator is talking about rich kids in Vancouver.

"I sell them drugs because I enjoy the fact that these rich kids are getting all fucked up. And do you want to know something else? I've got a theory about this. I've got it in my head that if I get these rich kids all fucked up on drugs, then I'm doing humanity a service. D'ya know what I'm saying? Do you ever think about what a better world this might be if a whole generation of rich people got so fucked up on drugs they stopped spending all their time being greedy? And do you ever wonder how decent the world might be without all those rich people fucking things up? I mean, we could have a little equality for a change? Whaddaya think of that? Doesn't that sound good? Sounds pretty good to me. The rich are pimps as far as I'm concerned. And you already know my position on pimps."

What's not to love.

Awkward Survival: Saving Awkward Face. (Also Known As Lying.)

Ok, ok. So we go on and on about awkward moments, movies, foods, laughs, etc. But maybe it's about time we had a post for how to be less awkward--that is, if you can help it. Like the DARE program, we're going to set up some awkward scenarios (about once a week, no promises) that you can hopefully bypass should they ever happen to you (And no, unfortunately we won't be bringing in the K-9s and the thinly granulated sugar that looks like coke for in-class demonstration. I know, I always thought the stuff was real, too.)

Awkward Scenario of the Week: Don't you know ANYTHING? (feigning intelligence)

Snarker: Of course, you've read Orwell's essays right? (condescending look)

You: (nervous, flushed, possible ball sweat) Um. Yeah (Of course, you haven't.)

Snarker: Really? Which ones? (skeptical)

You: (FUCK!) [pretend to struggle here remembering which ones] It was soo long ago. Like national...? (Only an idiot doesn't know who Orwell is, so go with what you know. State, government, writing would have also worked--and if something doesn't just feign can't-rememberance)

Snarker: (Can't hold back his snarking) Notes on Nationalism?! (pleased with himself for being so smart, maybe a little ticked that you are too.)

You: Yeah. (don't try to elaborate here. Maybe throw in a That's it! I knew it was national something, but do not try to pretend to know the content)

Snarker: I mean, he was so smart, all that stuff with Vietnam going on. He educated me, you know? And that was 50 years ago...(blah blah blah). [Just say yes and when snarker gets all worked up about something be like YEAH! as if you knew what the hell was going on. Check your watch--you're late!] Oh man, I'm so sorry I totally have to go _________. Let's talk about this tomorrow. [Go home and read the essay before tomorrow--look up key criticisms and metaphors on SparkNotes or something so you can Snark the Snarker. And now, just because you have read the essay, doesn't mean you can go and Snark to someone else. Instead of being an ashole, why don't you just recommend it to someone and give yourself a good pat on the back? Also, our gold-star stock is running low, apologies.]

Awkward Observations

Wow...So I'm from New York City and I will not deny that people can be racist there. On the train, the street or in the bars I've overheard my fair share of racist comments. Sometimes people will laugh along (if everyone in the crowd is of the same racial profile which is almost never), but most of the time the people who overheard the comment will look at each other and say "Did he really just say that?" I feel like I can say that if I were to appear at a bar or a public place looking like I was from the KKK or the Aryan Brotherhood people would not be well receptive. In fact I would probably have to leave after getting numerous what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-this-is-2008 glances.

So I've recently moved to Orange County California believing that the west coast was this open-minded, ahead of their time, laid back utopia of surfers and spiritual organic bike riders. But alas! I have discovered a huge population of Neo-Nazi's that I assumed died out after the 90's. All I know about this culture is what I have learned from World War II history class and movies such as "American History X" and "Romper Stomper", and these movies did not glorify Nazi's but taught Americans (who should have already known) that we are all equal when it comes down to the core of it. We all want freedom, a job, a home, money, and companionship. So there's no need to kill each other over the small differences.

Apparently it has taken longer than I thought for people to get out of this mentality. I guess 200 years is just not enough time. I see these Nazi's everywhere and it bothers me because almost everyone in Orange County is white so it's not like these people really know the people they have decided to hate. This fucked up sort of racism only exists in places where everyone is white because they can still deny the truth because they don't have to see it. Does anyone else find this ridiculous? It's 2008 and there are Nazi's living in California. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In fact I don't want to take this pill I want to do something about this but I don't really know how to change someones opinion that has been shaped since birth. There's even Nazi fashion. I started to become paranoid that everyone was a Nazi so I spoke to my friend about the ways to tell if someone is a Nazi and not just a punk rocker. The easy give away is the shaved head and the swastika tattoos. If the person has hair and their tattoos are hidden they might wear bomber jackets with buttons all over them, but the buttons are all Nazi bands, not just regular punk bands and catchy phrases. They will also thread their boots with white or red laces, to represent blood on their shoes from stomping a minority's head in. Yes, I know this is revolting, but now that you know this you can avoid these people who are 200 years behind their time.

Sexy Semicolon! ( Awkward Crushes)

Check this out. Hot/dorky guys getting off on grammar! Awkward in this case is pretty much a given. I wish we could have come up with this idea, but all we've got thus far is this blog. Grab your sharpies and your Elements of Style and hit the streets like our new heroes. Awk-on.
(p.s. man pictured is not our crush, nor the subject of this post.)

He's Just Not That Into Your Awkwardness

Haha. Ok, I know the title. Lame. BUT, I just wanted to write a little post on the bloggitty about something that just happened to me. This person made it pretty obvious that I was boring him. Not only was he yawning, avoiding eye-contact, saying 'yes' to questions I hadn't asked him, he even actually said, "wow, I'm bored" and walked away. Does this happen to anyone else? Do you ever get so awkward that you actually cannot speak? What about this unnecessary list of things I've come up with to determine how awkward you are so I won't feel alone?:

1.) When you talk, do people have to ask "what" a lot...but in a kind of annoyed way, like 'what.' instead of 'what?!!?!'

2.) Do people laugh when you tell stories, but your stories aren't very funny? Like maybe you're talking about your best friend who has this serious meth problem and might die and the other person laughed--really inappropriately, mind you--right before you got to the part where you say that your friend actually did survive her overdoes and everything's ok now? (wait, did you laugh too?)

3.) Have you ever been asked a question right in the middle of saying something that has absolutely nothing to do with what you're talking about? Say for instance, you're upset about politics and the person you're talking at just asks you, "Do you like licorice? I mean, like good licorice?" (and despite your pride, do you answer?)

4.) Have you ever had to add unnecessary theatrics to a story or segment of something you're telling someone just to get their attention back? An example might be shouting REALLY LOUDLY something your co-worker never actually shouted, but you fear ignorance if you don't add emphasis? Do you use a lot of hand-gestures when telling the story so that even if people aren't listening, they can follow your hands, as if they were blind? Have you ever concocted a song out of events so that people will at least laugh because why are you singing (?) oh and they obviously aren't listening? (have you ever juggled random items from your coffe table to pique interest? Or better yet, done some sort of 'lighter-trick' that has actually resulted in a painful burn?)

5.) Have you ever lied to make what you're saying more interesting? Obviously your boss did not get naked and prance around the office after having a few too many drinks, but her blouse was misbuttoned and you've just taken off running with this story. Do you feel guilty after telling stories because so much of its false you fear you may be a pathological liar, but you just really wanted people to like you and your lie-story? (are you a pathological liar? would you answer that honestly?)

Congratulations. We're awkward. So awkward, that to normal people this translates as boring. If they only knew the dark confines of our minds... (that was an unintentional rhyme, but I'm not changing it.) RAR.

Tell Me Your Sign So I Can Judge You

Are you ever becoming acquainted with someone and they ask you when your birthday is? You answer, perhaps secretly hoping that they want to get you a birthday gift because the date is actually coming up quite soon and you're not really sure if your own friends are going to remember even though you slipped it into casual conversation a few times already. But a part of you already knows what's going to follow your answer. "Oh, so you're a Scorpio? That's very interesting. You're mysterious and secretive, and you have a very intense dark side. I better be careful because you become jealous very easily." You're in the middle of telling the person that you work with animals at a pet hospital and you are taking care of your mother who is suffering from Alzheimer's, but none of that matters. That's just what you do. You have shared your likes and dislikes, but the person still isn't sure who you really are. They have to know your sign and then it will all make sense. You're really an evil bitch because the date you were born on determines more about you than all the things you have done during your actual life. Maybe the person is beginning to think that you two probably shouldn't be friends because they are an Aries and they have read in countless Astrology books written by "experts" that these two signs just aren't very compatible. They don't want you telling them what to do and bossing them around. You are confused, the person seems to have doubts about your friendship. You should have made up a birthday, one with a sign that was friendly, outgoing and loyal. But you know nothing about astrology so you don't even know which sign that would be.

Does anyone else think that this is insane? I mean, mankind has been trying to prove that astrology is a reliable way to predict people and future events for centuries yet it has never been found to actually work in any way. It's all a gimmick, like how the ancient Greek priests would open up animals and study their organs during wartime (which was basically all the time) to predict if the war would be won and if important people would die. People thought that worked, but it doesn't and neither does astrology. Yes, I can be jealous and sometimes I do think shitty things about people but who the fuck doesn't? It's called human nature, get a book on psychology and stop trying to use sun and moon signs to tell me who I am. I think we need to stop looking for outside sources to tell us what to do and start looking with in ourselves. Let the revolution begin!

Awkward, Mockward

Round 2 kids. If you're awkward and you know it clap your unusually small hands! If you're mockward and you know it, point and laugh!

Awkward/Mockward

War Supporters/War Inc.
Hula-Hooping if over the age of 5/Bikhram Yoga
Methadone Maintenance/Herbal Supplement Substance Abuse Recovery
Palm Readers/Life Coaches
Fanny Packs/Designer Fanny Packs
Hysterectomy/Louis Vuitton designer Birth Control Cases
Knitting your own clothes/DIY wardrobes
Old Man Blackout Glasses/Heart-shaped glasses if over the age of 5
Necrophilia/Social Anxiety
Ms. Magazine/Bust Magazine
Anarchists/Socialists
Warm Milk/Triple Caramel Latte with 1 pump hazelnut, 1 pump vanilla, nonfat milk.
Security Guard at Concerts/Getting paid $200 a night to play your I-Pod at bars
Christopher Walken/Christopher Walken
Finnigan's Wake/Ulysses
Prince Albert piercings/Dermal Anchors
David Brent/Steve Carell
Cannibalism/Veganism
Following Nostradamus/Following Eckert Tolle
Writing your suicide note in blood/Posting your suicide note on your blog
Wearing red laces in your Doc Martens/Confederate Flag belt buckles
racism/elitism
atheist/agnostic

How To Break the Awkward News Gently

You've got a situation on your hands. Maybe your friend refuses to cross her legs when sitting in a dress. Perhaps you have a roommate who 'scratches' his nose too much in public. Whatever the case, it's always awkward telling someone you love (or like enough) to correct their socially unacceptable behavior. And we're not talking cool socially-unacceptable behavior--I mean the kind of thing that actually troubles you...that makes you go into the bathroom and dry heave or takes up multiple pages in your journal. So here's how I'd do it: (warning: please attempt at your own risk).

• "Ok. The farting thing was funny that time in college, like when it was an accident. But actually it smells really bad. And farting on command isn't a talent, it's actually kind of gross. I'm not crying with laughter, my tear ducts are trying to filter themselves out from the toxic odor emitting from your ass. Maybe you can save it for 'you-time' ya know? I'm tired of smelling your daily carb intake."
• "Hey your sniffling's getting a little out of control. At first, I was like 'how cute!' you have alittle sniffling cold. But it's gotten really bad. It sounds like you're trying to suck your nsoe into your brain. I can actually hear your mucus hit the sides of your nasal cavity. Quite honestly, I've started to grow weary of being around you because I fear one day I might get sucked up through your nose. And the worst is when I can hear you swallow it or see you chew on it. Dude, it's called Tylencol Cold and Flu. I mean, I'll buy it for you, for all of us who have to suffer."
• "I dig that you really like your food. I mean, that's totally cool--go food! I just get kind of nauseous when I can hear you mushing in your mouth. It sounds like something horrible. It's ok to swallow before you've mashed the thing in your mouth. I know CPR. Honestly, it sounds like masturbation--but it's coming from your mouth and it's completely unappetizing. Please close it up or force it down."
• "So I was walking into the abode today and I almost broke my face. Yeah! I kind of slipped on this substance right out on our walkway. Except it was goopish and green. And then I realized it most likely came from you beacuse you kind of have this annoying habit of emptying your sinuses on our front stoop. One, you should get out for an infection, two, you need to find a better receptacle or else I'm suing your ass when I end up a quadrapalegic becuase you're sliming the place up."
• "Ok, listen. Some things warrant high-fives. But not everything. You've become the high-five guy who everyone ignores because a high-five's just not appropriate at a funeral, at the opera. When I say something funny, I don't need your little high-five confirmation. If I see the hand again, looming there, waiting to be hit, I will fracture it. I'm just warning you before it happens."
  

Return of the Awkward Crazyman Quote Cantina!

He's back. Fuck yeah! And he's got a doozy today.

"What I remember when I was your age, there was the first woman to pull her baby behind her on a bicycle and the baby was killed and we're like that's not a very smart idea! And we're all surfers and stuff and we got the message right away on that one. They'll kill him or someone will be killed."

(?) I am going....to...close...the...computer...slowly...andrunbye.

Top 10 Awkward Comments of the Week

1.) "That little kid totally just checked you out"
2.) "You know, rehab was a lot more enjoyable than the psych ward"
3.) "I like guys until the story I've constructed about them is proven false"
4.) "What about a bicycle built for one and a half people? Disabled people need to get behind that"
5.) "You have abnormally short arm hair. You should get that checked out."
6.) "Barbara Streisand was the first woman to make four million dollars"
7.) "I wish I could blog, I'm sick of pretending God is talking to me"
8.) "In the event that the world comes to an end, I won't blow the mailman."
9.) "No, it was just me and a homoerotic book. And some guy with tatooey arms. Wait, that sounds bad."
10.) "My cats. They are going to kill me."

Kind of eh on the awkward scale. Send us some if you've got better. onwardawkward@gmail.com

Sadly, Awkward-Commenter Man Was Right: We Are Obsessed With Google Icon Art.

Check this out! It's like buildings and shit! And even better, it's shaped like G-O-O-G-L-E! Wait, when did Google start doing this so often? I mean, there's a new google-a-con every week. Well keep it coming Google. I think they're atrocious, but without them we'd have at least three less posts. So thank you Google, for giving us something to blog about. (side note: Who the hell is Walter Gropius?)

UPDATE: Well, we've Googled Walter Gropius and he's an architect (we didn't care to know much mroe than this, and yes, it was obvious from the logo that this is what he was, but we just couldn't understand why Google cared.)

2nd UPDATE: We still can't figure out why Google cares.

So, How Awkward Are You? (Dining Experiences)

1.) You haven't got the cash! Imagine saying that with a silly British accent and a Hugh Grant wince-smile. Except you aren't British and you helplessly resemble an unattractive Howard Stern. You're a bum and now you have to run. But of course the date you paid to eat with you is wearing those plastic-soled heels within which are dead fake plastic fish. And she's still got that deposit. You can (a) offer to wash dishes like you learned how to in juvie (b) risk a credit identity theft and leave the fish or (c) Excuse yourself, tell your 'date' to excuse herself and swap clothes in the handicapped bathroom, instructing her (now him) to duck outside, while u traipse back on your sea creatures to your table and feign being stood-up (shake the goldies as you push out some mascara tear tracks).

2.) Oh you're a vegetarian? Well why the hell would you try my ground pork hummus? But he's sophisticated and normal and your vegan ways (which you recently figured out has also just been an extension of your irrational OCD/eating order) will surely not translate well. So you either gotta barf, freak or pass out. But you're a loving, compassionate, possible-bestiality-experimenting type gal. Shaking in your patchouli-infused-hemp-dress you must make a move. You can (a) politely spit whatever pig ass you just ate into your napkin and cough like 'oops!' (b) let all the crazy hippy-shit get to your head and pull out your PETA pamphlets on slaughter houses in mid-California, while grabbing the extra supply of Kambuchi you brought along just in case something so 'tragic' and 'insensitive' happened on account of yet another 'mid-west-murderer' or (c) You can shove the rest of the food into your mouth, like all of it from his plate, smile big with bits of food falling out, maybe even bit a piece of it on your nose and make an animal noise akin to the one you're eating and swallow it all down with a shot of Jim Bean because you're so experimental and "open to new things" (run quick to the bathroom, like the endangered whales in Alaska, you're about to blow a lot more than hot air).

3.) Dining with Humpty Dumpty. You just can't keep it together, you old sailor you. You've got pasta sauce on your pants, your date is drenched in red-wine and the waiter has referred to your plate as the Battle of Mignon. Except you laughed so hard at that that you knocked your glass over and shards are everywhere. Getting out of this awkward mess is like a mine-field of potential mishaps. But you're a good guy! You just couldn't accentuate that over all the shattering, breaking and spilling. You've either gotta save face or save your date from severing her pulmonary artery. You can (a) dab at her dress in inappropriate places like you did the last time this happened and hope she enjoys being groped by short, bald clumsy men (b) shoot yourself in the foot and tell her about all the other horrible dates, assume that she thinks this is a horrible date (which she by now has because she's checking her phone and her watch and asking the waiter for the check and looking to see if anyone has noticed the two of you together) and deem yourself "Humpty Dumpty," which she will surely later tell her friends and you will forever be that 'Humpty Dumpty' guy she went to dinner with that one time and ruined her favorite dress or (c) You can take her water glass (which has miraculously been left unscathed and standing despite all the flailing you've done with the rest of the tableware) and throw it clear across the room. Avoid people who might be in the way (no need for an unnecessary law-suit), give her a big wink and say as raspily as you can, that you live for thrills. Grab her hand, throw some hundreds on the table and skip out into the street (steal a motorcycle for extra effect but ditch it as soon as the wine wears off unless you want someone else to be behind you later tonight, like maybe in a cell bunk with some guy named Stevie. Being cool has its limits. And you know how the old saying goes: no need getting butt raped over spilt wine.)

If you picked (c) for any of these, we worship you and wish you'd blog for us or at least tell us an awkward story (you're like the cool guy of the awkward set and I'd totally let you have my seat at the next D&D game). If we had any gold-stars, we'd award one to you. If you picked the others, you can at least stick around to laugh at the rest of us. Awk on.

Help, I've Got Awkward Tourette's!

Old man vein legs. Empty coffee pot on wall ledge (no coffee shop in sight). 30 year olds with backpacks (school's out....for. ever.). Butt-hair toupees. People who say Roight?! with a British accent but they're from Riverside. Dog on a flat-bed being towed by a bicycle. big fat man with tiny little cappuccino cup (fat guy with a little cu-up.) Hairy feet with toe jam. Heroin addicts with Red Bulls. Hipsters with army caps (is being patriot cool again? confusing). Eight year olds with Blue-Tooths (new-rave robots). Scooters (vroom, vroom, little tool). Text-messaging callouses (get non-virtual friends). Flannel in heat. Vitamin bottle caps in ears (are you gonna drink that?) Old men with chucks (punk-STOP!) Giving Middle-American things French accented consonants (KF-Ce). Energy drinks named after genitalia (Bawls.) Buying generic Viagra at 7-11 (2-for-1 stamina and rat sausage.) Bitches on bikes (yes, I mean males). Palm trees in San Francisco (a la- FUCK ITS COLD-bamba.) Emo Music (bring the tissues, hide the knives.) Magenta cars (Purple Petrol-Eater). Blogging in a crowded room (postmodern wallflower.) Smoking in Malibu (ashtray=your face.) Referring to marijuana as if it were your date (She fucks you up real nice huh? Real friends won't give you cotton mouth.) calling art 'exquisite.' Throwing up in inanimate objects other than a trashcan or a toilet bowl (gentle suggestion: detox). Twenty year olds who call their girlfriends 'the old-lady' (oedipal-washed-up-hippy- complex). Snot rockets (You're 25. This is a Kleenex). Bike helmets (skull fractures=street cred). Abbreviating stupid things (Man, this is a comf. pil. Dyslexia is not sexia.) Wearing napkins as bibs (I promise the lobster will not be mashed and thrown at you). Pointing out the awkwardness of things when it really wasn't, you just didn't have anything interesting to say (oops, now it is.)

Oh Google, We Almost Forgot.

So I'm sure you saw the logo. Because the laser was invented. And Google's gotta let you that they know. But you probably didn't know, nor did you give a fuck. God Bless Google's creative department. (Kind of resembles a game of cat's cradle, way to go.)

Awk Word

There are so many awkward words, but today I stumbled across this;

sesquipedalian--a writer who uses long words. How fitting! Use this to make everyone feel awkward and maybe a little dirty (the word sounds kind of sexy, no?) Like maybe I'd want to have sex with a sesquipedalian.

In a sentence: The sesquipedalian would use words akin to his likeness because he's a douche.

Snark on that.

Examining Awkward Language

Here are some phrases most of use frequently and automatically without really considering how nonsensical or at least awkward they really are.

"He/She/This is nuts." Why are nuts used in this expression? When I eat nuts I don't feel like I'm particularly living on the edge. Sometimes when I eat hardboiled eggs I think, "how weird it is to be eating and enjoying a chicken embryo." One girl the other day said "Eww...I'm sorry, I just get really grossed out and nauseous when I see people eating hard-boiled eggs..." You never see people scowling and going pale because you're eating a handful of pistachios, and that is why I think this is a misguided expression.

"He's on top of his shit." When someone is being extra-responsible or efficient, we say that she's on "top of her shit." Personally, if I'm on top of my shit, I don't expect praise, I merely expect not to be institutionalized. If my shit was for any reason above me, I assume and hope I would be unconscious and in critical condition.

Furthermore, I am frequently disturbed by the number of fully grown people who say "rad," "gnarly," or worse yet, "gnar gnar." It's pathetic, repulsive, unenlightened California nonsense and the next time some guy in a business suit uses the word "gnarly" he's getting slammed in the face with a surfboard.

"Wanna Hang Out?" Awkward Excuses Not To.

1.) "If I hung out with you, then I'd have to hang out with everyone I didn't want to. I have to draw the line somewhere."
2.) "I get along better with animals, so if you have a cat..."
3.) "I have to go get drunk first. Call me in an hour, I'll be down for anything by then."
4.) "I TiVo'd this thing on the History Channel about Hitler...wait, I'm not a nazi. I just like history. No, really, I can't hang out."
5.) "I have to wax something"
6.) "I can't. I'm depressed. I can't do anything, actually."
7.) "I have other plans, it just might take me a minute to remember them."
8.) "I have to go to a meeting" (and it's 9 p.m.)
9.) "I'm working on saying no, so maybe next week?"
10.) "Can't. I've got a wicked bout of staph"
11.) "On weekdays, I just like to hang out naked and eat ice-cream, sorry"
12.) "Ah, no. Warcraft Wednesdays."
13.) "I have to finish my E-Harmony personality test."
14.) "My P.O.'s coming over tonight actually"
15.) "I just came down. Hang out? yeah right."
16.) "I've got to get right with God."
17.) "I'm practicing magic tricks. I've almost got em down."
18.) "My WebCam show airs tonight. Cross your fingers!"
19.) "I'm actually trying to have sex with my neighbor tonight"
20.) "I have to feed my mother"

Creatures at the Cafe

He works at the counter. He is so awkward yet it is in much a beautiful way. I am blown away by his magnificence. I want to touch him. A man nearby strums on his guitar while peering around to see if anyone notices and admires him for this ability. He looks as if he just sat down and there was a guitar and he just picked it up casually and now he's just playing this guitar that he found by his feet. Play me a melody conjurer of guitars. A group of rambling old regulars argue over who should be able to speak next, even though they sit there all day every day and it doesn't really matter who speaks next because everyone will get a turn when you're dealing with forever. Two judgemental girls with dogs talk about judgemental people in their high chairs, looking down on all the people in their lives except each other. One of them leaves and the girl that's left makes a phone call and starts talking about the girl who had just departed. I strain to overhear the conversation that a crazy old man has with himself. It's funny though because he has his facts straight. I know this because I check them out on Google as he speaks with out telling him. Lawrence Nightingale did discover the importance of soap. How interesting, I think I will go wash my hands. A man sitting with a dog yells at the creature for barking. The dog begins to attack him at the Cafe in front of everyone. He drags his pet away. A moment later I see him riding by on his bike which is dragging a platform on wheels where his dog sits barking at him. It almost looks like dog sledding but the dog is riding the sled and the guy is pulling the dog. I can almost hear the dog yelling "faster, faster you idiot!" The man has let the dog control him. The beautiful man at the counter comes over to pick up a piece of trash by the feet of a beautiful girl. He plays it off as him just doing his job, but there is plenty of trash everywhere and he only picks up this tiny piece. I want to hug him and tell him I understand. I am unable to because I accidentally throw up in my mouth a little bit. I swallow it back down and pull out a cigarette. I stare at an old man sitting by himself at a table. I notice he is staring back so I smile at him. He smiles back. I look away. When I look back at him he's still staring at me and smiling. I realize I have given off the wrong message. He is too old for me. If I slept with him I would know death.

Awkward Laughs (Haha)

Because it was funny, until that laugh started. Some of the basics:

1.) The Are-You-Dying-Laugh. Sounds like choking, barfing, swallowing toxic waste. All of a sudden there is a lot less humor and a lot more concern for laugher's well being.
2.) The Too-Loud Laugh. Holy Shit. Keep it down. We're at a restaurant and everyone is having a good time except someone has called the police per noise complaint. Everyone is looking over, but not because of the witty comment, because of the unreal noise coming from your mouth. Eardrums hurt, please be quiet.
3.) The Burst Laugh. Whoa, did you just hiccup, have a little mental break? Because the laugh so loud and quick and unexpected that you're not even sure if that really happened now and you're inching...inching...toward the door and away from the closet-psychotic person.
4.) The Honking Laugh. Like a goose, but you're a person. (?)
5.) The Non-Laugh Laugh. Um, that was actually funny--what was just said. Like really funny. Everyone is rolling and cool guy over here makes a little noise in his throat and a tight smile. Totally killed the joke and the mood and now nothing's funny, just awkward. Awkward.
6.) The Are-You-Crying-Laugh. Need tissues? Wait, you're actually shedding tears, but your laugh really sounds like sobbing. And everyone else has stopped laughing to see if you're alright, if something terrible happened. Great. Now everyone is uneasy because no one likes being a bully.
7.) The Not-Laughing-And-Just-Saying-That's-Funny-Not-Laugh. If it was so funny, maybe you should have laughed. But saying 'that's funny' makes things really not-funny. Because funny things usually are followed by bouts of laughter, not verbal confirmations that a funny thing was said. Stop up on Prozac, you're weirding everyone out with your robotic communication skills.
8.) The-This-Laugh-Will-Never-End-Laugh. Ok, ok it was funny. You're right. It was funny, but now you're laughing at me, trying to get me to laugh more and I'm good, really. I've laughed all I can laugh, but you're egging me on with your constant laughing and now I'm just pissed because I'm over it and I wish you would be too.
9.) The Phony-Car-Salesman-Laugh. If you didn't think it was funny, how about just not laughing? The fake laugh, like yelling is irritating and weird. And don't take that extra step to hold your stomach and wipe your eyes that aren't tearing. Don't look at me to make you actually laugh because I'm looking at you bewildered that you'd even think anyone would buy that lame laugh you're passing off as authentic. Especially when I know for a fact you hate that guy.
10.) The Silent Laugh. Like you're shaking, convulsing even, but there isn't a sound. No, we aren't at the library, we're at a comedy show and you're sitting there gyrating like an epileptic in strobe lights. Actually, you're kind of turning blue and I wish you'd make a sound because who knows if you kicked that heroin habit and it's kind of embarrassing because surely, you're about to explode, implode, or retch all over somebody. It's cool buddy, release the beast.
11.) The Ho-Ho-Ho-Laugh. It's July and you can replace all your 'ha's' with 'ho's'. You aren't jolly even, you're a 23 year old guy bordering on emaciated. So why are you laughing like you have jowls and a spectacle? Please stop, you're scaring the kids.
12.) The Wow-That-Was-Inappropriate-Laugh. Laughing to someone's 'I've got cancer' joke isn't cool because it, um, wasn't a joke, Ace. If you find yourself laughing when those around you are either crying or glancing at you horrified, you're probably an unappropriated laugher. Just so you know, it's not really ok to laugh at funerals or ICU wings.

Awkward Relationships 101

Have you ever found yourself in one of these:

1.) Junkie Love. Except you're not a junkie, he is. And yes it is kind of weird that he almost turned purple at the movies last night. Or that you only see him beofre 6pm--and after 5pm. Where's all his furniture gone? "I don't need it" he says but now you can't call him because his phone's gone too, and no he doesn't know what communism is. Does the sex last for more than an hour? Does he kind of smell? Be honest. Do you think he may be narcoleptic? Has he ever asked you if you were CPR certified? Has he all of a sudden 'contracted diabetes' but still drinks Slurpees? Congratulations you are in a junkie-love-awkward-as-hell relationship. Wear condoms if he can get it up.

2.) Emotional Carcass Love. Were you the first to say I love you, initiate a date, follow up with a second date, make all of the calls, write the e-mails and talk about marriage? Does your girlfriend eye fuck your best friends? Have you told your girlfriend that you want to kill yourself and she smiles at you and says "you're always so serious." Do you find yourself asking your girlfriend about her feelings, but you're a guy and you hate feelings already and this is what it's come to? Have you created a drunken scene because your girlfriend looks at you like you're a creep who's hitting on her when you've been dating for three years? Did your friend, relative, enemy, die and your girlfriend called you a 'Debbie Downer'? When you have sex, does she say someone else's name or put an 'I hate you' before your own name? You're dating an emotional carcass and its awkward because you've turned into a pansy bitch. Get out before you do something crazy, like carry pieces of her hair around in your back pocket (If you're already doing this, refer to #3, because this is what you are and should stop before the restraining order is issued).

3.) CoDependent-Creepy-Stalker-Obsession Love. Pretty much the opposite of #2. Does your boyfriend cry more than you do? Does he wear your old high school sweatshirt with your last name on it, but you never gave it to him, he just "found it"? Does he dry hump random body parts of yours in public? Do you ever have to apologize to the people around you because he's got his hand on your crotch? Does he make you say 'I love you" exactly five times before he can let you go to sleep? Do you wake up in a headlock? Do you know where your friends are? Do you know who your friends are? Have your heads dissappeared from all of your pictures? Has he ever claimed to have been suicidal 'because of you'? Does he say he knows you better than you know yourself? Does his cutting your name into his chest scare you? For God's sake I hope so. RUN.

4.) The Manic-Depressive Love. Does she jump for joy when you come home on Mondays? On Tuesdays does she refer to you as the 'bane of her existence?' Have you ever taken her to Disney Land because she was about to jump off the roof of your building? Did she end up enjoying Disney Land too much (did she buy the Minnie ears?) Do you hold your breath when you open the door to your aprtment? Have you ever been hit by her thrown shoe? Does she mention her therapist in most conversations? Has she ever placed Holy Water on you while you were sleeping? Have you woken up to her having sex with you and it was creepy because you had a mjor fight last night and she was sleeping on the couch? Has your landline telephone been broken more than twice? When she writes in her journal does she ever rip the paper with her pen? Has she made you breakfast in bed and then cried because you asked for salt? Do you constantly have to defend her sanity to your friends, her friend, the neighbors? Does she tell her dog how angry she is at you in a cute voice while you're right there in the room? Sleep with one eye open.

5.) The I'm-Better-Than-You,-You-Awkward-Freak-Love. Has your boyfriend ever scoffed at you because you said a band name wrong? Have you told a joke and when you've finished he apologizes to his friends? Does he know anything about you beside your hair color? Are his eyebrow arches constantly set at extra high? Have you had to lie about knowing something because he looks at you bewildered when you start to say"No, I've never heard..." Does he check out other girls while out? Does he ask them if they like Kierkegaard? Have you used Wikipedia more than the bathroom since you've started dating? Does he talk about himself in the third person? Do all of his sentences start with "I was checking out this new _______"? Does he have mother issues? Is he usually in a blazer? Does he wear shoes without socks? Do strangers cry after conversations with him and is he laughing? Burn his easel, nothing not-awkward will come from this.

Give us others. (one-minute man? yoga-freak chick?) onwardawkward@gmail.com

On Awkward Abuse

Yes, you read that right. Awkward Abuse. One can define this as an act that actually qualifies as abuse, but is done in such an awkward way that the abuser at hand rarely comprehends the act as abusive, despite your blatant bruise or bleeding kidney. Think of Elaine from Seinfeld. You know that whole , "GET OUT!" shtick where she's so shocked that she pushes whatever unsuspecting character clear across the room out of her amazement at the situation. Insert laugh track and you have a great sitcom, but in real-life, it's not always so funny. I have a friend (I always write about a friend I have, so it seems like I have many, but I don't. The ones I have are just very, um, multi-dimensional and perhaps insane.). Anyway. This friend. She gets really excited about things. Today, she's going on a date with this guy. But the excitement she has about this event, is, less than cool. Because she comes barrelling in the door and pounces on whomever is seated helplessly on the couch watching DrugYears on VH1. Great, she's excited! But my liver's been punctured and I need a doctor. The most frustrating aspect of this behavior is that she isn't even aware of the pain she's inflicted. What are you to do in this situation?

Or there's that roommate who hasn't quite learned that punching you in the arm actually hurts, that you know it's like a tough-pound-we're-tight kind of thing, but you leave wincing like a little bitch, almost crying in the confine of your room. Or the little drunk bitch who's a friend of a friend of a friend who's always there when you don't want her to be and she smacks you everytime you tell a joke and by default, you've stopped telling jokes because you're afraid of the abuse that will surely come your way if you're funny and so you sit there like a somber asshole because you don't want this little 'technically-a-midget-girl' to come at you with her smack-happy hand. But what are you to do because she's doing it with a smile on her face like what you just said was so funny it hurts her and now she wants you to feel that pain you've unintentionally placed on her intentionally by her.

Then there is the awkward verbal and emotional abuse. That friend who says funny things that hurt your feelings. I had a friend who always said "Oh my God, kill yourself!" if you said something kind of stupid. And it was funny! Until we ran into someone who was actually depressed and then it was, uh, not so funny. She also said things like "No Friends!" and "Wow, you suck!" but in funny kind of ways. She'd say it and everyone laughs, except you, the person she's said it to, because you're looking for a window to jump out of. Are you too sensitive? Can you not take a joke? No. You have just been a victim of awkward abuse. Check the warning signs:

1.) Has a friend ever hurt you for saying something nice or funny?
2.) When going to a bar with the suspected awkward abuser, do you leave feeling like you just watched 'Scared Straight'?
3.) Do you worry when your friend comes out of the bathroom that she will flick her water all over you after she's watched her hands because she thinks its funny but its annoying and now you look a lot drunker than you are because you're wet at a bar?
4.) Do you flinch after you say something 'shocking' in the presence of this friend?
5.) Do you intentionally cower when your friend is excited about things, starts yelling things and comes hurriedly up to you? And are you cowering to protect your internal organs?
6.) After hanging out with friend for a little while, must you go into the bathroom and recite the positive affirmations to yourself that your therapist has had you tape to your mirror?
7.) Do you have bruises in the shapes of happy faces or exclamation marks?
8.) Does this friend burp and blow it on you?
9.) Do you wake up in the morning with scratches on your legs and arms and you were not drunk the night before?
10.) Has friend ever given you a 'noogie sandwich' that actually made your scalp bleed?

If so, I'm sure there's a hotline. Awkward abuse is real. And real annoying.

Awkward-ature: Jamestown

Awkward-ature: Literature that may be written about or in the style of the awkwardist cultural movement. Passages may make one laugh out of embarrassment or uncomfortableness. Sentences may induce pleasurable cringing and a deep-rooted connection between the awkward writing style of the author as well as his or her awkward readers. In reference to OnwardAwkward, Awkward-ature attempts to seek out the best and most enjoyable awkward literature around.

This week: Matthew Sharpe's Jamestown

Talk about awkward literature. First, this book is premised on America's favorite story, the settling of Jamestown. Except it's not that at all. All the characters are there; Pocahontas, 'Johnny Rolffe', John Smith. But before you yawn like I did prior to reading the back cover, hear me out. The world is basically at an apocalypse. The island of Manhattan, which is seemingly a horrible, nuclear wasteland, has run out of oil and its the Virginia Settlers who must find oil in the Native American territory of Jamestown. Sharpe resurrects William S. Burroughs in his depictions of violence and crude humor/language. And of course there is plenty of social commentary in the inhumane ways the white settlers enter and attempt to seize Jamestown. This book is a wild, violent, hilarious and ultimately fucked-up explosion of literacy, black humor and biting sarcasm. Pocahontas, for one, is an ultimate feminist, trying to figure out the peculiar white culture while simultaneously 'playing' both Johnny Rolffe and John Smith. She is a complete character, one that stays with you long after the book ends because of her forth-right nature and her philosophical jargon that seems to baffle the rest of the male characters in the book. The clash of tradition, culture, history and technology is worth the read alone. Not only does Pocahontas curse like a fuckin sailor, but she text messages, IMs, even reads minds. The writing is the first thing that got me.

Check out this paragraph:
"The road dead-ended in a field. That was it. We'd arrived. The only thing worse than the journey is the destination. I looked out the window at the tall bulbous stalks we were surrounded by. Beyond them lay dark woods, like the ones in my dream of the dog. The predatory sun devoured the field and had begun to eat my eyes, so I turned my head, bent down in my seat, pressed my knees into my eyes, and tried to let myself be soothed by the black behind my lids. I vaguely sensed the bus door open and the men who represented us stepped down to what awaited them. Maybe they'd be killed. I often think that death would bring relief but, fearing change, haven't sought it out."

Whoa. Sharpe's got a serious eye and tongue for slick descriptions and dialogue. With alternating chapters of aforementioned characters, you see how intentionally the male characters are left rather undeveloped, giving Pocahontas this omnipotent place in the novel that is almost, dare-say, chilling? But hilarious. She's perhaps one of my favorite characters I have read in many years. Like Kathy Acker, Pocahontas has no qualms about her sexuality and struggles throughout the book to understand who she is apart from the prejudices put upon her by her father Powhatan and her brutish suitors. She is a character to love--if you're a woman, you'll want to be her and if you're a man, you'll want to do her (despite the long descriptions about her pock-mocked face and her less than attractive appearance.) Awkward, right? This book is fucking great, if you can handle violence, Ebonics, Algonquin, and snarky dialogue (and really, isn't that what you look for in a good read anyway?) Please read this. It is completely--no-- utterly entertaining, interesting, and delightfully awkward.

When Awkward Shit Hits the Normal Fan

So you've just said/done/ate something awkward and it was um, less than well-received. Here's some suggestions to rectify the sitch (yes, as in situation):

• "You know, I used to smoke PCP. I was really crazy then."
• "I just did that to see what you would do. And you gave me a weird look. That's good. Like, you're not weird because you thought that what I just did was weird. But it was supposed to be, get it?"
• "My parents were drug addicts."
• "I'm an only child. And I was home-schooled. By my aunt. She was home-schooled too."
• "Yeah, I did that. And I liked it. A lot. Stop looking at me."
• "My friends actually appreciate my quirkiness. You know, I have friends."
• "When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead."
• "You're looking at me like 'how could I do that' but I think the look you should be giving me is 'why did I do that.' It's the whys in life that matter, kiddo. The hows are just so ordinary."
• "Whatever, I saw you pick your nose yesterday and eat it. Checkmate."
• "Haha! Tell me honestly, was that a scary-weird thing I did or like kind-of-cool-in-a-strange-way thing I did? My acting coach says I need to work on awkward moments. Thought I'd just try it out on you. So? Feedback, feedback!"
• "If we were in the future and you were blind, that wouldn't have really happened...I mean in a philosophical sense, you know?"
• "You have cat hair all over you and I didn't look at you like that when you walked in this morning."
• "I was hired to do things like that. Office comic-relief. Laugh all you want, I get more benefits and I just heard you were getting canned. No, but actually, you're fired. I can do that. I just did."
• "Or I could be boring like you, thumbs-up!"
• "If I pay you $10 bucks, can you not tell anyone about that?"
• "Wow. So much for Casual Fridays, eh? Loosen up Warden."
• "Wait. Mulligan!"
  
• "I'm originally from Canada, humor doesn't translate well."
• "In office-life, I smile at you and pretend to like you. In real-life, it's hate. Get away from me, I have boundary issues."
• "That was really weird. I'm hoping that because I'm letting you know that I think what I just did was weird that you'll excuse it, because at least I'm aware. I can't be all nuts if I know I'm nuts, right?"
• "I'm sure it wasn't as awkward for you to watch that as it was for me to do. Don't judge."
• "It was people like you in high school that make me do things like that now. Thanks. Life's been hard, but I manage pretty well, wouldn't you say?"
• "I might be crazy, but you're dumb and you can't pass that off as art."
  

Awkward IceBreakers

1. "It takes me a long time to pee, too" (public restroom)
   
2. "The espresso here is so authentic" (Starbucks)
   
3. "You get a DUI too?" (at DMV)
4. "Who is Trader Joe, really?"
5. "I love watching other people wash my car"
6. "This elevator's pretty spacious, I could sleep in here, right?"
7. "I wish I could work at a bookstore so I could just roll around in all these books"
8. "What are you in for?" (at the doctor's office)
9. "You know, the New York Times just panned this movie, but fuck 'em right?" (before the movie's started)
   
10. "Whoa! Ha, that Downy bear always freaks me the fuck out." (laundromat)
11. "I love the smell of gas" (gas station)
12. "I'm always nervous that someone's going to come and shoot up the place, ya know?" (bank)
13. "That's a large package!" (post office)

Others? Put it on us. (onwardawkward@gmail.com)

Some People Need Help Ordering Pizza (Awkward Moment in Action)

So this is an awkward situation; ordering pizza. Doesn't sound too bad right? But with five people, ordering pizza is an ordeal. As I blog, right this moment, there is a Pizza Brain Storm going on. Mushrooms? Onions? Pepperoni? Who cares. But wait, it's a really big deal. I'm going to transcribe the convo:

"I dunno, let's just get a large...I dunno...well, there's only 3 of us ordering a pizza?...I only want 2 slices...I want a lot...Ok, let's get the large...it's going to be $20 each...but with all the toppings it's going to be like a lot each...who's ordering...you order...no you order...I want some figgy pudding...Whatever...Do you want me to do the ordering or do you want to do the ordering...Ok, fine, I'll talk to the people, as usual, because I'm the adult...I'm an oldie but goodie...But then we're watching Death and a Funeral, it's so funny...what's with this 2-for-1 Six Flags thing, it's been going on forever?...wait, what's the number?...my computer's about to die of batteries...OompaLoompa dobadeedoo....quickly, quickly...if you don't give me the number (sung)...these fruit snacks are dusty...where is everyone....are we ordering?....wait what pizza are we getting?...what's the number?...I'm trying to find that out right now (sung)...locations! locations!....Ready 1-?...(numbers)...ooh....ring it bitch...where does it say that?...sizes..toppings...hi, id like to place an order for delivery, yes, (number), yes, (name), (address), I want to do an Olive Garden Commercial...we're getting a large pizza with?...I dunno...Pepperoni?...Mushrooms...Onions on all of it. What else do we want, spinach? Roasted Peppers? No let's just get that...sundried tomatoes? yes. Can I have a side of extra tomato sauce, just on the size, or extra pizza sauce or whatever? I think that'll do it...any drinks? Diet coke...lots of diet coke..I can't afford all of that...(silence)...yes, yes, yes, I bet it's going to be $28 dollars...what's the total? $28.52?...that's awesome, my friend just guessed that $28 would be the total? thanks (sexy)...why do I always flirt with the pizza guys?...Wait, do u think u could call back and order ranch?...(dialing)....We have popcorn!..Hi, I just placed an order for delivery and I just want to add a side of ranch, (name), 2, thank you, bye (kiss). Oh no, I kissed her good bye. Alright, do you guys want to watch this movie? Wait, do you want to smoke a cigarette first?"

Break.

Awkwardography!

(?).

Awkward Noir

These are the most awkward romantic films that I have ever seen. Romantic films usually make me feel fairly uncomfortable but these movies made me never want to go on a date or be in a relationship ever again. No, I am not talking about romantic comedies where the romance is supposed to be awkward yet funny and we all laugh and everyone ends up loving the movie and how the characters ended up together at the end. I'm talking about the movies that lead to a night of awkward silences between you and your date because you want to be alone tonight. James Spader seems to be the king of awkward sex noir. I made some additions so this is the edited version. 

1. Crash
2. The Dreamers
3. The Blue Lagoon
4. The Other Sister
5. The Piano Teacher
6. Secretary
7. Spanking the Monkey
8. Exotica
9. Punch Drunk Love
10. Buffalo 66
11. Pumpkin
12. Hedwig and the Angry Inch

13. The Crying Game

14. Strictly Ballroom

15. Sex, Lies & Videotape

16. The Piano Teacher

17. Milk Money

18. Ladybugs

19. Pretty In Pink

20. Boys Don't Cry

21. The Rules of Attraction

22. Fatal Attraction

23. Twin Falls Idaho

24. True Romance

Wasting Away In Mockwardville, Quotes From the Abyss of Trying-To-Be-Cool

Sometimes we find ourselves in odd situations here at this kind-of-too-trendy-cafe. A herd of hipsters just rolled in and I can't help eavesdropping. They've already covered the hipster-racism they've faced (people yelling at them while they're on their I-Phones, "Die Hipster Die!"--which makes me think of Cartman and how great that episode was "Yep, just as I suspected. You;ve a drum circle in your backyard" Whoa, A.D.D., sorry). And then they moved onto their frustrations with the anti-hipsterites who've been giving them "a wicked hard time." This is a quote,

"The docuhebags have been tagging Yosemite. Yeah! Like fucking graffiti. Don't they know it's a national park? Like it's natural wildlife, man. Probably the same assholes who started fights at Coachella."

Probably. Don't they know that tagging's only cool ion $150 shirts? FUCK man.

YES! Another Google Holiday: For Mother Birds

Fuck yes, Google.  You rock because you're so very lame.  It's Mother's Day!  So if you're a goose and have duck kids, Google wants to honor you with a stupid little icon (as usual, it's aesthetically wretched).  Happy regurgitation!

Nature Lashes Out, Makes Us Awkward

Global Warming's got nothing on nature (oh wait, well yeah, I guess it does), but it's got nothing to do with this post. Awkward Moments as caused by Mother Nature:

1.)Wind. You walk out of the house (after spending an unreal amount of time getting ready, you narcissist.) And there it is, at your hair, at your skirt hemline, revealing granny panties to the world. With your umbrella. Actually, why even explain this, when there's a German Ad on YouTube that's kind of entertaining (except that their trying to sell the wind or something?) Anyway, this explains it. Wind=Awkward. And the guy who plays the wind in this video is horribly awkward-looking, so maybe just check it out for that.

2.) Rain. If you're wearing flipflops and now you have old-flip-flop-slime, which you'll probably trip and fall on, or slide into someone outside your office. Also, ruins makeup, hair, clothes, life (for you melodramatics). Rain also makes driving unbearable in Southern California (and yes, Albert Hammond, it does rain in Southern California, citizens of which just blackout every time it does.). Makes everyone into a foul, rodent-looking creature. Also, makes stinky things stinkier (stinky's an awkward word).

3.) Snow. Break out the ugliest clothes ever! Got your gloves, your hat, earmuffs? Congratulations you are a big, dumb five year old. Just because it snows doesn't mean you have to ask for marshmallows in your hot chocolate, you're still a grownup.

4.) Sleet. Awkward because what the hell is it? Is it raining? Snowing? Icing? All you know is you're wearing a baliklava and you're face is still all cut up like a Krugger victim. You try to walk to work carefully, carefully, but you slip and fall because that's what happens unless you wear cleats (and why would you wear cleats?) Also, makes sound on windshield like diahrea.

5.) Unbearably Hot Weather. Work is only three blocks away, but apparently you just ran the New York City Marathon. You're sweaty and you stink and so does everyone else. Women sport sweat 'staches, men have swamp ass, and you smell like the city sewer because the world is decomposing at bionic speed. Ick.

6.) Dust Storm. Because why are you anywhere where there would be a dust storm? Are you a hitchiker? A shaman? Anne Heche? You can't see and you're dirty and maybe you just reenacted a scene from the Bible. Find Shelter and a shower.

7.) Humidity. It's hot, or not. It's not windy, not really anything, except you're the swamp thing. Your hair has been styled by Tina Turner, you just got into an accident because you can't see shit while you're driving and are you sweaty or clammy? Both are awkward because you're gross and tired, swimming through your day.

8.) Fog. Fog's just an awkward setting period. Take San Francisco for instance, the Flagship Awkward City. Living here is like living in a bong. Everyone talks about the fog like it's the boogie man ("I bet the fog'll roll in later", "I just hope the fog burns off before noon", "Oh the Fog just settles in on the city in the summer, you know like Mark Twain said") Fog is creepy, thus awkward. Will you run into Jack the Ripper? Will you get hit by a bus? Are you going to kill yourself today? Or maybe just smoke a joint because going outside feels too apolocalyptic to handle. And you stoned is awkward enough for everyone.

At Least the Washington Post Thinks We're Cool.

Check this out. For those of you who thought this was a stupid idea for a blog (or wait, maybe that was just us). Well, anyway. The Washington Post has published an article this weekend on all things awkward and why everyone's so damn intrigued by this shit. Although, the more awkward issue at hand is why the Washington Post has any claim to what's cool now and what's not. If you're bored read it, we didn't.