Some things that are just awkward. You cannot talk your way out of these things, nor can you make them cool (or mockward). These things actually define awkward.Losing your virginity. Drunk, high, or sober, it's just awkwardly quick if you're the guy and surreally dissapointing if you're the girl.
Getting your period/First wet dream. Ah, puberty. Both are gross and awkward to explain to your parents when the respective bodily fluids are present on your 12-year-old sheets.
Having to poop at inappropriate times. Like on a date, at work, or stuff in traffic (wear Depends)
Seizures. Drug-induce or biological, scary, period.
Boners. Dude, it's the eighty-year-old librarian, get a hold of yourself.
Talking to old people. You're yelling, making hand gestures, drinking beer out of coffee mugs and making elaborate facial expressions. You do realize you're doing this?
Talking to handicapped people. Ok, not in an offensive way. In the you're-trying-so-hard-not-to-look-at-the-dissability type way. Believe it or not, you're making the guy with no legs more uncomfortable, congratulations.
Buying drugs. You're asking for a slice of pizza, a piece of gum, a CD? You just want your fucking drugs and all the codewords are taking up the cellphone minutes you just sold your couch for.
Death. cricket, cricket...no explanation here.
Celebrities talking about politics. Sharon Stone get a hold of yourself.
Smelly feet. duh.
STDS. Whether it's in 8th grade health class or after last night's scary half-night stand, it's all pretty gross.
Child Actors When They're No Longer Children. Good God Daniel Bonaducci's unstable and midgetly-awkward looking.
Family Functions. Especially with crazy Aunt Irene who gets a little too close to naked after one too many at Grammy's.
Having An Offensive Friend. Yeah, you are the company you keep. "Those people" don't want to rob you....wait, no, now they do because you're ignorant BFF just got you "a cap in yo ass." (or at least, that's what he said)
Boundary-less Acquaintances. So you dropped your pen on the ground, not in my lap or down my shirt. Also, there's never really a "friendly" reason to touch inner thighs, creeper.
Overly Outgoing People. Whoa. Will you shut the fuck up? I'm not deaf and you're not that interesting.
7 comments:
wait, so thats it? am i the offenseive friend? please? or am i the one thats allways yelling? id rather be the offensive one. why am i reading you blog at 7am? oh yeah, i have to cuz my computer opens to it automatically.
who do you think keeps leaving all the ananymous comments?
I agree with it all except losing the virginity, about which I can personally only claim one word from your description: sober.
By the way, I am the anonymous one and I am the overly outgoing one.
intrinsically awkward? how about when your friend shows up at your house and is like hey, my tire is flat. like wait, what?
remember that one time i asked you to un do the knot on my halter top and you were like its stuck and then you kicked your left foot? like that was gonna help with the knot? i was driving on the freeway in los angeles and i was able to see your kick out of the corner of my eye it was so dramatic. you looked awkward as sin. i fail to see how your kick was gonna help the situation. or is that the point? it was just wrechedly awkward? im at work, i have to poop
I don't know what's going on but I like it.
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