Awkward. Why?

Here's a pointless list of things that are awkward for reasons unbeknown to us. Things that are awkward but maybe shouldn't be, if you really thought about it:

1.) Wearing the band shirt to a concert of the same band. Made famous by Jeremy Piven in PCU, wearing the same shirt of the band your seeing is not cool. Why? Because when you're going to see the Decemberists, you gotta wear a New Pornographer's shirt because if you're a true fan, you should act as if you aren't (damn Mockwardists.) As Piven so succinctly put it, "don't be that guy" even if you aren't quite sure who or what 'that guy' is and why you shouldn't be him.

2.) Crying. Alright, crying's always awkward. Have you ever seen someone pull up next to you on the road and they're bawling, like really, really sobbing? You just have to look away right? It actually bothers me. It kills the whole driving buzz, makes you think outside of yourself, and suddenly you're caught in a web of your own rhetoric thoughts. What the fuck is that lady crying about? Is it a song on the radio? Did she just get dumped, found out she had a terminal illness? Are you an asshole for being annoyed by her crying? And what is there to say about someone crying. Hugs offer minimal consolement and the whole tears-on-your-shoulder-thing is gross--especially if it's a snot combo. But it's natural right? I mean, some people can't help shedding tears. But fuck it makes me uncomfortable. Also, crying has been made mockward by the emo-music movement, cocaine come-downs, and lame hipsters on the verge of mental collapse at the LACMA. Mockward or Awkward, crying is inexplicably creep-inducing.

3.) Working Out. Wow, you look great! I mean right now. Because when I saw you running on the treadmill an hour ago, I hid. Not that I didn't enjoy your mock-hurtle-jumping-routine. Or your deep breathing sequences. I even kind of liked the swamp-ass you had going on. But wow, working out in public is awkward. There's the sweat, that skinny guy trying to lift 3x his weight, some guy stretching his quads while you try to figure out how to work the fly machine. As humans, we should be intrinsically exercising our bodies, staying fit, etc. But fuck, the process is humiliating. And the whole mockward spin on workout just isn't, um, working. If you're at a bar in SOMA drinking a Pabst tall boy while wearing spandex around your beer gut and a headband made of terry cloth, the effect is something a bit worse than mockward. Only a loser would want to look like they're working out when they aren't and so obviously haven't--ever. Sorry, Dan Deacon, no one's buying the whole "I just came from the cool LES/Krispy Creme Gym" look.

4.) Tap Dancing. C'mon. Admit it. You tried it out when you were, say, 8. You had a whole routine you practiced to "Put on a Happy Face." You had the shoes, the cane, a tophat from Capezio and you had some quick-paced feet. So why did that stop being so cool? At what age is it decided that tap-dancing will no longer suffice as a socially acceptable extracurricular activity? Who decided that jazz hands and metal soles lose their cool at such a young age. Tap Dancing is so awkward that the mockward set can't even comment. I mean they've got the roller-skates-in-the-street-shoes thing, but not yet taps on the toes. I guess, like diapers, tapping is reserved solely for the extremely juvenile or outrageously senile demographic.

5.) Phone Conversations with Family. You're friends are yelling at you to throw some more lines on the table, you're roomate's going on about her "outrageous orgasm" she had last night, you're boyfriend's on the phone with his dealer begging for "just one sack, man." And there you are, cupping the phone, horrified by the wildly inappropriate company you keep. Or maybe you're hung-over and your mom just asked you a billion questions about your future. There's your senile aunt, who you have to scream at while ordering a double-shot over ice at Starfucks, while smiling apologetically to the wigged-out barista. Or the mundane run-down of who you're dating, how work's going, and enthusiastically concurring that Dancing With the Stars really is a great, great show. No mockward equivalent here, unless you're Jack White and you may or may not be married to your sister.