About the Awkward Poll: Maybe the Fairy Tales Had an Effect on us...

Ok, so people have asked us about the new poll. "How can fairy tales be awkward?" they say. Wait, how are fairy tales not awkward? Here's a run down of some childhood classics that have earned a spot on the good ol' Onward Awkward blog.

Rumpelstiltskin--Whoa, this fairy tale is weird. Check it out on Wikipedia. Basically, this chick is ordered by the King to turn straw into gold in three nights or be executed (and according to WikiP, some versions go so far as to explain that she'd be skewered and skinned like a pig, wow.) Anyway, impossible right? So of course, she can't. But this dwarf (and dwarfs are always awkward, no offense) is kind of like a dealer or a loan shark and says he'll help her in exchange for her necklace the first night, her ring the second night and then on the third she's run out of jewelery and prostitution's a little heavy for three year olds, so he says he'll help her in exchange for her first born child. So thus, gold is spun. And the King's so pimpressed (that was an unintentional typo, but it works) that he has this woman marry his son. Everything is fine until they actually have a baby and the dwarf returns for his 'payment' of one fresh child. So he strikes up yet another deal so that the Queen can keep her granddaughter, she must guess his name, and she does. Rumpelstiltskin gets so upset he stomps his foot and opens up a chasm into which he fall into. What the fuck. What is supposed to be learned from this? Dwarfs are pimps. And newborn children make good payment.

Little Red Riding Hood--Why is a little girl dressed all in red confusing her grandmother for a wolf? Granny's either a man or a hobbit. Again, little children are appetizing/unimportant.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs--Again with the dwarfs. And why do they all live together in some kind of hippie commune and Dopey was drunk, right? I mean he burped bubbles for fuck's sake. The lesson to be learned? Only a grown man can wake a pasty drug addict up from a coma. Or, seven little men do not equal the resuscitation abilities of one tall one.

Princess and the Pea--Wait, how many mattresses? Wasn't it like 20 or something? Someone will feel a pea under 20 mattresses? The pea, obviously would be smushed and would rot. Way to teach boys that girls are high maintenance whores. Or, that she'll be lying when she asks "is it in yet?".

Rapunzel--um...this story's pretty wild also. According to WikiP, this couple wants a child real bad, but they live next to a witch. And so the the woman longs for these flowers found on the witches' property. Loyal husband that he is, he crosses over the threshold to retrieve the frivolous token of his love. So he gets caught and his punishment is that his wife will get pregnant, but that once the child is born, she must surrender her kin to the witch. Child's born, named Rapunzel, is locked in a tower. The only way to get up to the tower is by letting her hair down from the only window which they would then climb up and into. So some prince overhears and does the same thing. She lets him up, he proposes, she agrees. They plan an escape--she weaves silk hidden in her hair into a ladder. But, because she's a silly girl, she accidentally tells the witch about it (why is he heavier than you? insert origin of dumb-blond stereotype.) And witch hauls the prince up and tells him that he will never see the freakishly-long-haired woman again. Despair! He jumps from the tower and blinds himself on the thorns below. Anyway, he wanders around the forest while Rapunzel has twins (little hussy, eh?) The prince again hears her and they leave the place to live--that's right--happily ever after. Wait so this is why long hair is kind of creepy. I thought it was all Cher's fault. Perhaps true love is blind, but being in love will actually make you blind. Premarital sex is so good, you'll climb a rope of human hair for it. But, if you don't want twins, be sure to sew yourself some silk condoms. Also, blind people wander through forests.

Awkward.