Awkward Activities?

Ok it's a stretch right--it seems as though we've just started tagging 'awkward' before everything in order to have something to blog about. Well, if you haven't noticed, that's the premise of the blog, so get over it. As for awkward activities? We may or may not suggest any or all of these. Also, we do not not like doing these things.

1.) Mentalism. Yes, this is an actual activity. Check out the Mentalist's Handbook at booksense.com. Supposedly, if you meditate long enough, you can start visualizing gnomes and spirits like poltergeists (yeah, actually it does sound kind of cool.)

2.) Singles Hikes via Sierra Club.It's bad enough that you're one of those Sierra Club people (don't worry I am too, it'll be our little secret). But not only are you shelling out half your paycheck so that old, bored geriatric women can pick up the soggy pack of smokes you left in Laguna Beach while you went skinny-dippy last night, you now want to put yourself in a position to meet the next Unabomber. Singles hike? That's like wearing a shirt that says rape me while jogging in Central Park at 3 am. Scary. Scarier, they'll all have beards; look out for snotcicles on the early morning treks.

3.) Roller-Skating for the over 5 set. So have you been to a roller skating rink since middle school? Because it's frightening. Not only is everyone there under the age of 12, but they're all so much better than you. They'll skate backwards, in circles, on their heads. And you'll be the loser clutching the wall while keeping your toupee in place at the same time. Get out of the rink old man, you might throw your back out.

4.) Participating in Church-sponsored rock bands. Yes, you read that right. I met this guy at Starbucks and he said he was in a band. After piquing my interest he so generously let it down with, 'yeah it's sponsored by my church.' What? Does this actually exist? I've heard of Christian rock, but I had no idea it was an extracurricular activity for 30 year old baristas. Awkward.

5.) Bird Watching. If you own the Sibley Guide and can immitate more than one bird call, you can rest well tonight because you are definitely awkward. Birds have to be the least interesting animals that exist. And while you're strapping on your sun hat and dressing yourself in camo, please, just take a look in the mirror. The birds should be watching you, psycho.

6.) Knitting During Class. Is this a new craze? I majored in philosophy in college (once awkward, now mockward) and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why all the girls would whip out their knitting needles and start making blankets smack dab in the middle of Kant's Critique on Pure Reason. And not the lame I-made-cookies-for-the-class kind of girls, but the I-wear-big-boots-beacuse-I-don't-like-boys, feminist type girls. Feminist Knitting for some reason just doesn't sit right.

7.) Renaissance Festivals. Does this need to be explained? It's 2008. There's never an excuse to say 'ye' and 'art thou.' I don't care how many daisies and twigs you've got wrapped around your braids. Also, velvet in the summer smells like cooked squirrel.

8.) Touring Random Protests. It's awesome if you have a cause. Whether it be prison abolition (shameless plug) or legalizing marijuana, causes are a great way to express yourself and try to change injustices. BUT if you are just 'that protest guy' (you know who you are)--that guy who hits up every major cause, is at every freaking rally maybe only so he can feel better about his habitual pot smoking, you gotta quit. If you have a shirt that says Pro-Choice on one side and Young Republicans on the other, it's time to retire the sharpie and the spray paint.

9.) Scrap booking for the under 80 set. Grandmas scrap booking? Aw cute! 20-year-olds scrap booking? ...cricket, cricket... What are you doing? What memories are you even putting down there? Your 'shroom trip in Palm Beach? The date rape scare on the Upper East side? The Exotic Erotic Ball in San Francisco (God knows, I do not want to see the stickers for that) Save the serrated scissors for when you actually have nothing better to do and your memories are a little bit more G rated because you've got age-induced (not acid induced) dementia.

10.) Drum Circles. Really, they're awkward even if you are a hippie. I mean hippies can pull it off way more than the average Joe, but nothing is worse than having a nice picnic in the park (awkward or mockward?) and being interrupted by a homeless guy banging on a trashcan, a Trustifarian slamming on an African tribal drum and a business man jangling his keys, slapping his knee, dancing saying 'oh yeah'. Please. Stop. It's disturbing.