Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Awkward Can Be Appetizing

Let's say you're not really that awkward. Maybe you're dating this really awkward guy/girl and you want to impress them by being that dorky-awkward-cool-guy/girl. So how do you do it? Well, here are the ingredients for an awkward moment:

!. Make sure to say something that no one will understand (maybe an obscure book reference, or a one hit wonder nuwave band from the 80's)
2. Say your weird thing at a really inappropriate time (like during someone else's childhood story, or while someone's on the phone, or right after someone's told a joke and everyone's still laughing)
3. AFter you say the weird thing, say nevermind when everyone looks at you or just say nothing. Try staring at the floor or a crack on a far off wall.
4. Explain nothing.
5. When people ask questions about the weird thing you just said, say "forget it" or "I don't know." Throw in a "nevermind" too.
6. When everyone's moved on from your odd outburst and is on tot eh next subject (or just trying to get over your social ineptitude), explain what you meant. Do it right in the middle of someone else's sentence.
7. Say something that could be considered "wildly innapropriate" (more on this subject soon), maybe talk abotu how you haven't had sex in a year or how you sometimes get off on old people porn. Whatever, you get it, something real out there (stay away from things too out there like beastiality and necrophilia). Cough after you've said it.
7. When everyone looks back over at you, shrug your shoulders and head for the bathroom.

Congratulations, you've just concocted yourself an awkward-moment cocktail. Shake, stir gently and serve over ice. Enjoy. (And don't blame us if you lose a couple friends/potential date, you're the one who has to follow instructions on how to be awkward--which, I guess is awkward in itself, so maybe this whole post was pointless. Maybe they all are. Um...yeah, bye.)

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