Dear Onward Awkward, Am I?

We've received a few question regarding this whole awkward business. Specifically, we've had quite a few inquiries as to whether or not the individual in question was awkward or 'mockward'. So we've decided to start a new column devoted to determining how awkward you are. Here's this week's Q&A:

Q: I'm crying at Starbucks. Awkward or Mockward?

A: I have to say that crying is definitely awkward. However, crying at Starbucks is another case. Hmm, I'd go with mockward...but old-school mockward, circa 1996 perhaps? Dust off a Nirvana record, break out some flannel and reminisce over your now soggy Turkey Bacon sammy.

More Mockward? Cruise to an independent coffeehouse for a chai and let the crying commence after perusing the oh-so-touching 'spread of capitalism' article in the latest Adbusters.

More Awkward? Turn to the guy behind you, sob and fall into him, snotting on his shirt and taking a sip of his grande nonfat cappucino. Tell him, "it's just so good what they're doing for water in 3rd world countries" while hugging a bottle of unopened Ethos. Steal his cap and hum 'Time' to yourself on the way out.

...........................

Have a bizarre situation? Hit us up and we'll tell you how awkward/mockward it is, plus how to make it more so. E-mail us at onwardawkward@gmail.com Awk-on.

Awkward. Why?

Here's a pointless list of things that are awkward for reasons unbeknown to us. Things that are awkward but maybe shouldn't be, if you really thought about it:

1.) Wearing the band shirt to a concert of the same band. Made famous by Jeremy Piven in PCU, wearing the same shirt of the band your seeing is not cool. Why? Because when you're going to see the Decemberists, you gotta wear a New Pornographer's shirt because if you're a true fan, you should act as if you aren't (damn Mockwardists.) As Piven so succinctly put it, "don't be that guy" even if you aren't quite sure who or what 'that guy' is and why you shouldn't be him.

2.) Crying. Alright, crying's always awkward. Have you ever seen someone pull up next to you on the road and they're bawling, like really, really sobbing? You just have to look away right? It actually bothers me. It kills the whole driving buzz, makes you think outside of yourself, and suddenly you're caught in a web of your own rhetoric thoughts. What the fuck is that lady crying about? Is it a song on the radio? Did she just get dumped, found out she had a terminal illness? Are you an asshole for being annoyed by her crying? And what is there to say about someone crying. Hugs offer minimal consolement and the whole tears-on-your-shoulder-thing is gross--especially if it's a snot combo. But it's natural right? I mean, some people can't help shedding tears. But fuck it makes me uncomfortable. Also, crying has been made mockward by the emo-music movement, cocaine come-downs, and lame hipsters on the verge of mental collapse at the LACMA. Mockward or Awkward, crying is inexplicably creep-inducing.

3.) Working Out. Wow, you look great! I mean right now. Because when I saw you running on the treadmill an hour ago, I hid. Not that I didn't enjoy your mock-hurtle-jumping-routine. Or your deep breathing sequences. I even kind of liked the swamp-ass you had going on. But wow, working out in public is awkward. There's the sweat, that skinny guy trying to lift 3x his weight, some guy stretching his quads while you try to figure out how to work the fly machine. As humans, we should be intrinsically exercising our bodies, staying fit, etc. But fuck, the process is humiliating. And the whole mockward spin on workout just isn't, um, working. If you're at a bar in SOMA drinking a Pabst tall boy while wearing spandex around your beer gut and a headband made of terry cloth, the effect is something a bit worse than mockward. Only a loser would want to look like they're working out when they aren't and so obviously haven't--ever. Sorry, Dan Deacon, no one's buying the whole "I just came from the cool LES/Krispy Creme Gym" look.

4.) Tap Dancing. C'mon. Admit it. You tried it out when you were, say, 8. You had a whole routine you practiced to "Put on a Happy Face." You had the shoes, the cane, a tophat from Capezio and you had some quick-paced feet. So why did that stop being so cool? At what age is it decided that tap-dancing will no longer suffice as a socially acceptable extracurricular activity? Who decided that jazz hands and metal soles lose their cool at such a young age. Tap Dancing is so awkward that the mockward set can't even comment. I mean they've got the roller-skates-in-the-street-shoes thing, but not yet taps on the toes. I guess, like diapers, tapping is reserved solely for the extremely juvenile or outrageously senile demographic.

5.) Phone Conversations with Family. You're friends are yelling at you to throw some more lines on the table, you're roomate's going on about her "outrageous orgasm" she had last night, you're boyfriend's on the phone with his dealer begging for "just one sack, man." And there you are, cupping the phone, horrified by the wildly inappropriate company you keep. Or maybe you're hung-over and your mom just asked you a billion questions about your future. There's your senile aunt, who you have to scream at while ordering a double-shot over ice at Starfucks, while smiling apologetically to the wigged-out barista. Or the mundane run-down of who you're dating, how work's going, and enthusiastically concurring that Dancing With the Stars really is a great, great show. No mockward equivalent here, unless you're Jack White and you may or may not be married to your sister.

About the Awkward Poll: Maybe the Fairy Tales Had an Effect on us...

Ok, so people have asked us about the new poll. "How can fairy tales be awkward?" they say. Wait, how are fairy tales not awkward? Here's a run down of some childhood classics that have earned a spot on the good ol' Onward Awkward blog.

Rumpelstiltskin--Whoa, this fairy tale is weird. Check it out on Wikipedia. Basically, this chick is ordered by the King to turn straw into gold in three nights or be executed (and according to WikiP, some versions go so far as to explain that she'd be skewered and skinned like a pig, wow.) Anyway, impossible right? So of course, she can't. But this dwarf (and dwarfs are always awkward, no offense) is kind of like a dealer or a loan shark and says he'll help her in exchange for her necklace the first night, her ring the second night and then on the third she's run out of jewelery and prostitution's a little heavy for three year olds, so he says he'll help her in exchange for her first born child. So thus, gold is spun. And the King's so pimpressed (that was an unintentional typo, but it works) that he has this woman marry his son. Everything is fine until they actually have a baby and the dwarf returns for his 'payment' of one fresh child. So he strikes up yet another deal so that the Queen can keep her granddaughter, she must guess his name, and she does. Rumpelstiltskin gets so upset he stomps his foot and opens up a chasm into which he fall into. What the fuck. What is supposed to be learned from this? Dwarfs are pimps. And newborn children make good payment.

Little Red Riding Hood--Why is a little girl dressed all in red confusing her grandmother for a wolf? Granny's either a man or a hobbit. Again, little children are appetizing/unimportant.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs--Again with the dwarfs. And why do they all live together in some kind of hippie commune and Dopey was drunk, right? I mean he burped bubbles for fuck's sake. The lesson to be learned? Only a grown man can wake a pasty drug addict up from a coma. Or, seven little men do not equal the resuscitation abilities of one tall one.

Princess and the Pea--Wait, how many mattresses? Wasn't it like 20 or something? Someone will feel a pea under 20 mattresses? The pea, obviously would be smushed and would rot. Way to teach boys that girls are high maintenance whores. Or, that she'll be lying when she asks "is it in yet?".

Rapunzel--um...this story's pretty wild also. According to WikiP, this couple wants a child real bad, but they live next to a witch. And so the the woman longs for these flowers found on the witches' property. Loyal husband that he is, he crosses over the threshold to retrieve the frivolous token of his love. So he gets caught and his punishment is that his wife will get pregnant, but that once the child is born, she must surrender her kin to the witch. Child's born, named Rapunzel, is locked in a tower. The only way to get up to the tower is by letting her hair down from the only window which they would then climb up and into. So some prince overhears and does the same thing. She lets him up, he proposes, she agrees. They plan an escape--she weaves silk hidden in her hair into a ladder. But, because she's a silly girl, she accidentally tells the witch about it (why is he heavier than you? insert origin of dumb-blond stereotype.) And witch hauls the prince up and tells him that he will never see the freakishly-long-haired woman again. Despair! He jumps from the tower and blinds himself on the thorns below. Anyway, he wanders around the forest while Rapunzel has twins (little hussy, eh?) The prince again hears her and they leave the place to live--that's right--happily ever after. Wait so this is why long hair is kind of creepy. I thought it was all Cher's fault. Perhaps true love is blind, but being in love will actually make you blind. Premarital sex is so good, you'll climb a rope of human hair for it. But, if you don't want twins, be sure to sew yourself some silk condoms. Also, blind people wander through forests.

Awkward.

Awkward Can Be Appetizing

Let's say you're not really that awkward. Maybe you're dating this really awkward guy/girl and you want to impress them by being that dorky-awkward-cool-guy/girl. So how do you do it? Well, here are the ingredients for an awkward moment:

!. Make sure to say something that no one will understand (maybe an obscure book reference, or a one hit wonder nuwave band from the 80's)
2. Say your weird thing at a really inappropriate time (like during someone else's childhood story, or while someone's on the phone, or right after someone's told a joke and everyone's still laughing)
3. AFter you say the weird thing, say nevermind when everyone looks at you or just say nothing. Try staring at the floor or a crack on a far off wall.
4. Explain nothing.
5. When people ask questions about the weird thing you just said, say "forget it" or "I don't know." Throw in a "nevermind" too.
6. When everyone's moved on from your odd outburst and is on tot eh next subject (or just trying to get over your social ineptitude), explain what you meant. Do it right in the middle of someone else's sentence.
7. Say something that could be considered "wildly innapropriate" (more on this subject soon), maybe talk abotu how you haven't had sex in a year or how you sometimes get off on old people porn. Whatever, you get it, something real out there (stay away from things too out there like beastiality and necrophilia). Cough after you've said it.
7. When everyone looks back over at you, shrug your shoulders and head for the bathroom.

Congratulations, you've just concocted yourself an awkward-moment cocktail. Shake, stir gently and serve over ice. Enjoy. (And don't blame us if you lose a couple friends/potential date, you're the one who has to follow instructions on how to be awkward--which, I guess is awkward in itself, so maybe this whole post was pointless. Maybe they all are. Um...yeah, bye.)

Awkward Tribute: Be Your Own Pet

Because we're awkward and you probably are too if you're reading this, we've decided to hand out awkward awards. But, we've never really received awards for anything (actually no, that's not true...I think I got a manager award in high school for running Cross Country, but that was only because they were trying to ease the blow of firing me from the team because I'd go smoke bowls in the woods during those '6-mile warms-ups'. Back-handed award maybe, but an award none the less.) Anyway, we've got mild resentments against awards so we'll just call them awkward tributes. Basically, you get one if we like your awkwardness. So today, we're tributing Be Your Own Pet with their amazingly-titled second album, 'Get Awkward.' Fuck yeah. Also, that Kelly Affair song's pretty cool (and absolutely mockward.) Check it out.

Intrinsically Awkward

Some things that are just awkward. You cannot talk your way out of these things, nor can you make them cool (or mockward). These things actually define awkward.

Losing your virginity. Drunk, high, or sober, it's just awkwardly quick if you're the guy and surreally dissapointing if you're the girl.
Getting your period/First wet dream. Ah, puberty. Both are gross and awkward to explain to your parents when the respective bodily fluids are present on your 12-year-old sheets.
Having to poop at inappropriate times. Like on a date, at work, or stuff in traffic (wear Depends)
Seizures. Drug-induce or biological, scary, period.
Boners. Dude, it's the eighty-year-old librarian, get a hold of yourself.
Talking to old people. You're yelling, making hand gestures, drinking beer out of coffee mugs and making elaborate facial expressions. You do realize you're doing this?
Talking to handicapped people. Ok, not in an offensive way. In the you're-trying-so-hard-not-to-look-at-the-dissability type way. Believe it or not, you're making the guy with no legs more uncomfortable, congratulations.
Buying drugs. You're asking for a slice of pizza, a piece of gum, a CD? You just want your fucking drugs and all the codewords are taking up the cellphone minutes you just sold your couch for.
Death. cricket, cricket...no explanation here.
Celebrities talking about politics. Sharon Stone get a hold of yourself.
Smelly feet. duh.
STDS. Whether it's in 8th grade health class or after last night's scary half-night stand, it's all pretty gross.
Child Actors When They're No Longer Children. Good God Daniel Bonaducci's unstable and midgetly-awkward looking.
Family Functions. Especially with crazy Aunt Irene who gets a little too close to naked after one too many at Grammy's.
Having An Offensive Friend. Yeah, you are the company you keep. "Those people" don't want to rob you....wait, no, now they do because you're ignorant BFF just got you "a cap in yo ass." (or at least, that's what he said)
Boundary-less Acquaintances. So you dropped your pen on the ground, not in my lap or down my shirt. Also, there's never really a "friendly" reason to touch inner thighs, creeper.
Overly Outgoing People. Whoa. Will you shut the fuck up? I'm not deaf and you're not that interesting.

It's Friday the FUCKIN 13th! (whoa, that was awkward...)

So do you still get excited about Friday the 13th? Do ya, do ya? Well I do. Naturally, I bet i'll be stuffing my face with popcorn (speaking of which why are popcorn bags getting so much smaller? there's like two kernels a bag and it tastes like cardboard with ear wax topping, it's disgusting but I digress...) while I fevershly alternate the channels from Freddy to Jason. And actually, I didn't even realize what day it was until, like, 5 seconds ago. So I'm really psyched. This also brings me to another question. Why on earth doesn't Google have icon art for Friday the 13th? I half expected, when I checked Google five minutes ago, despite my having been to the search engine's homepage a bajillion times today (sorry, short term memory loss, I used to live in SF), I expected there to be...I dunno, like Wes Craven's knife-hand or something? perhaps Google spelled out in blood-drops? hell, even just a stupid little ghost or something. But no, of course not. Want to know why? Because Google's retarded. Because Google spends so much time trying to look smart with their Velasquez-holidays (wtf?) and documenting the obscure anniversary of some dude who invented the laser (who cares!), that have very little time for the things that matter like Friday the 13th and May Day. Screw you, Google, I notice.

Turns Out Not Having Friends Has an Up-Side if You're a Creep

Yesterday I went to see The Strangers...solo. Alright, a lot of people see movies by themselves--especially if you happen to live in a booming metropolis. But these movies are usually artsy, or long, or so obscure you can't pay your friends enough money to tag along. However, it seems as though viewing a horror flick by yourself isn't as socially acceptable. This was evident by the fact that 3 out of 4 of the couples littered throughout the theater whisper-yelled; "is that girl here alone?!" And at first, naturally, I was slightly mortified. I even went through my bag to find a notebook to open as if I were a film reviewer. And I actually even said to myself, I write a blog! I'm doing research! But I wasn't. I was just bored and ditched by my friends. As the movie progressed, I realized that scary movies aren't that scary without people next to you. I laughed when some bitch got stabbed. I snickered when these masked freaks popped out of horribly obvious places (like the closet, the fornt door, a darkened window). And soon the couples began turning back and looking at me presumedly bewildered--presumedly because well, it was dark. But while the two people in front of me nearly severed their hands on each other's flies (jumping everytime a staged floorboard creaked, interrupting their heavy-petting matinee date--gross.) I sat there, in a dress mind-you, giggling like a creep. I became, in all essence, a part of the scary movie experience. Maybe I had even been the scariest part of the whole movie--that scary, creepy girl laughing like an idiot as two helpless movie victims get bludgeoned to death. Anyway, I suggest seeing a horror movie sans acquaintances. Nothing beats scaring boring yuppies on a random Thursday afternoon.

Awkward, Mockward: Summer Wear

Awkward/Mockward

Thong swimsuits for men/short-short bathingsuit briefs for men (?)
XL-Disney spray-painted tank-top bathing suit cover ups/Mesh (why is this happening again?)
Corona-logoed string bikinis/American Apparel suspender bathing suits
Colored Zinc sunblock on nose/SPF 100
fake tans/pasty pale
Casino-logoed visors/'Blossom' hats (whoa.)
Tube Socks with long shorts/Those new shoes that came out with Kurt Cobain's fake blood on the tops of them (real classy)
Leather vests (uh, it's hot?)/Denim vests
TeVas/Jellies
Cowboy hats/Feathered Head-scarves.
Dock-Siders/Dock-Siders
Ponytail, if you're a man/Wearing a headband, if you're a man
goggles, flippers, or fins/fanny packs (yes, again, they're making quite a comeback)
Old lady dress-bathing suits/Those weird bathing suits with holes cut out of them that only look good on supermodels, and no one else. I mean, really. No one else.

Differentiating Awkward from Mockward

So we've had more than a couple people ask us; "well which is better? Awkward or Mockward? And what the hell's the difference"? For clarification purposes, we've decided to explain these surprisingly vague terms. Ok, awkward can be good or bad. I mean, usually it's bad. Rollerblading is awkward. If you are a rollerblader, chances are you aren't the coolest guy on the block--and if you are, good for you because you must have some really great qualities to cancel-out the whole rollerbading bit. But mockward would be like wearing old-school 70s roller skates to a party pumping Elvis Costello (no pun intended) and serving PBR tallboys. So in terms of cool, mockward's where it's at. However, mockward can also be irritating and annoying, like what's her face from Juno or that horrible folk Kimya Dawson soundtrack that came with it. Awkward would be being an actual pregnant teen walking around an actual high school without having any actual emotions about it listening to actual Joann Newsom folk music. I think the lesson to be learned here is that like life, your relation to the awkward/mockward lists should be relatively balanced. If it's all on the mockward side, whatever: You're a wannabe with a sick Urban Outfitters wardrobe and maybe you really like Death Cab. But dare, you faux-weirdo you, to take a longer walk on the awkward side of life--the mountain man look might just suit that new tight, French-cuffed flannel shirt you copped over at Fred Segal's. And if it's all on the awkward side, I'm calling the cops. Awk-on.

What the Fuck.

This is ridiculous. Is it boredom? Is there nothing to do over at Google headquarters? Does Google have a headquarters and if this is all they're doing there, why do they have a headquarters? This is just stupid. STUPID. Look at it. What. the. fuck.

(Velasquez, I'm sure, would be thrilled by Google's elaborate multi-colored, kindergarten finger-paint font colors. And the missing O is not clever, it's illegible...I didn't think it could get worse after the laser-logo. Congrats Google, it just did.)

...And So Are Amusement Parks...

Yesterday I had the privilege to participate in one of America's favorite pastimes; a day at the amusement park. I hadn't realized just how strange and surreal amusement parks were before going as a 23-year-old. And if you haven't gone since that middle-school field-trip where you frenched Johnny behind the cotton candy-machine, I suggest you read this before attempting another go-around as an adult.

First, smoking has been drastically reduced. Not only are there designated smoking areas, but these areas are not the cool/gross fish-tank fume ovens that can be found in Dulles airport, these smoking areas are merely sad benches with blue paint rectangled around them, containing haggard tourists spitting phlegm at your feet. My suggestion: bring your own paint and wear a raincoat.

Then there's this whole FlashPass business, a $20 rip off that you can purchase in order to jump ahead in line. This may actually be worth it mind you because the average wait-time on a Tuesday is an hour per ride. I can only imagine what the weekend wait-time is. So as you sit in the infinite snaking lines where there is no smoking, profanity, or drinking, you watch these rich SOBS literally run to the front of the line, dropping cash out of their designer slack pockets on the way. It's quite unnerving and wildly unjust. Bring a schizophrenic friend to entertain you, because the hour and half line will not be 'worth it' after the 45 second ride (yes, even if the ride is equipped with hot flames.)

Speaking of hot flames...new rides boast EXTREMENESS. The X2, which we were told was the "best ride in the park" by a buck-toothed beaver-looking employee, ended up being a 2 and a half hour wait for a ride in which you actually thought you might die. Not in the fun I-kind-of-want-to-test-fate way, but in the -wait-they-spend-so-much-damn-time-trying-to-make-these- rides-look-cool-that-they-may-have-overlooked-safety- kind of fear. Yes, there were smoke and flames and mist, but it ended promptly after I prayed that I get off this ride before it kills me (though I could hardly hear my own life-pleas over the horrible Guns-N-Roses remix blasting from the "cool new speakers for an Xtreme sound experience!") I think the ride was actually 15 seconds. And as it ended, I wondered if it had, in fact, happened at all. The X2 should be called the FUCK YOU! for actually waiting 2 hours to ride it.

Also, the rides have gotten strangely sexual. By this, I mean that the positions people are put in to enjoy a little thrill are very, how do I say, explicit. This one ride, the Tatsu, actually puts people in the doggy-style position and while I enjoyed the ride, I had this sinking feeling that perhaps I was about to endure more of a thrill than I'd signed up for. Another ride had you flat on your back, with your legs splayed out spread-eagle style. For the secret exhibitionist: wear a dress? For everyone else: bring Mace and for the love of GOD wear shorts (see previous blog Shorts Are Scary for more info about the proper use of this garment.)

Also, everyone who works at an amusement park looks like a creature from the Amphibian exhibit at the San Diego Zoo. And the carnie dialect, I have learned, is quite possibly, more difficult to decipher than Greek. Also, fanny packs seem to be a requirement. What else...oh yeah, make sure you buy a cape, T-shirt, bottle-opener, jock-strap, etc. sporting the name of your favorite ride, it's all the rage. And Funnel cakes, it turns out are a rare delicacy--get yours early quick because it will be the longest line you stand in. There's nothing like the deep-fried, sugar-coated, fat ride to make you feel like a true American. Awk-on.

Awkward Activities?

Ok it's a stretch right--it seems as though we've just started tagging 'awkward' before everything in order to have something to blog about. Well, if you haven't noticed, that's the premise of the blog, so get over it. As for awkward activities? We may or may not suggest any or all of these. Also, we do not not like doing these things.

1.) Mentalism. Yes, this is an actual activity. Check out the Mentalist's Handbook at booksense.com. Supposedly, if you meditate long enough, you can start visualizing gnomes and spirits like poltergeists (yeah, actually it does sound kind of cool.)

2.) Singles Hikes via Sierra Club.It's bad enough that you're one of those Sierra Club people (don't worry I am too, it'll be our little secret). But not only are you shelling out half your paycheck so that old, bored geriatric women can pick up the soggy pack of smokes you left in Laguna Beach while you went skinny-dippy last night, you now want to put yourself in a position to meet the next Unabomber. Singles hike? That's like wearing a shirt that says rape me while jogging in Central Park at 3 am. Scary. Scarier, they'll all have beards; look out for snotcicles on the early morning treks.

3.) Roller-Skating for the over 5 set. So have you been to a roller skating rink since middle school? Because it's frightening. Not only is everyone there under the age of 12, but they're all so much better than you. They'll skate backwards, in circles, on their heads. And you'll be the loser clutching the wall while keeping your toupee in place at the same time. Get out of the rink old man, you might throw your back out.

4.) Participating in Church-sponsored rock bands. Yes, you read that right. I met this guy at Starbucks and he said he was in a band. After piquing my interest he so generously let it down with, 'yeah it's sponsored by my church.' What? Does this actually exist? I've heard of Christian rock, but I had no idea it was an extracurricular activity for 30 year old baristas. Awkward.

5.) Bird Watching. If you own the Sibley Guide and can immitate more than one bird call, you can rest well tonight because you are definitely awkward. Birds have to be the least interesting animals that exist. And while you're strapping on your sun hat and dressing yourself in camo, please, just take a look in the mirror. The birds should be watching you, psycho.

6.) Knitting During Class. Is this a new craze? I majored in philosophy in college (once awkward, now mockward) and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why all the girls would whip out their knitting needles and start making blankets smack dab in the middle of Kant's Critique on Pure Reason. And not the lame I-made-cookies-for-the-class kind of girls, but the I-wear-big-boots-beacuse-I-don't-like-boys, feminist type girls. Feminist Knitting for some reason just doesn't sit right.

7.) Renaissance Festivals. Does this need to be explained? It's 2008. There's never an excuse to say 'ye' and 'art thou.' I don't care how many daisies and twigs you've got wrapped around your braids. Also, velvet in the summer smells like cooked squirrel.

8.) Touring Random Protests. It's awesome if you have a cause. Whether it be prison abolition (shameless plug) or legalizing marijuana, causes are a great way to express yourself and try to change injustices. BUT if you are just 'that protest guy' (you know who you are)--that guy who hits up every major cause, is at every freaking rally maybe only so he can feel better about his habitual pot smoking, you gotta quit. If you have a shirt that says Pro-Choice on one side and Young Republicans on the other, it's time to retire the sharpie and the spray paint.

9.) Scrap booking for the under 80 set. Grandmas scrap booking? Aw cute! 20-year-olds scrap booking? ...cricket, cricket... What are you doing? What memories are you even putting down there? Your 'shroom trip in Palm Beach? The date rape scare on the Upper East side? The Exotic Erotic Ball in San Francisco (God knows, I do not want to see the stickers for that) Save the serrated scissors for when you actually have nothing better to do and your memories are a little bit more G rated because you've got age-induced (not acid induced) dementia.

10.) Drum Circles. Really, they're awkward even if you are a hippie. I mean hippies can pull it off way more than the average Joe, but nothing is worse than having a nice picnic in the park (awkward or mockward?) and being interrupted by a homeless guy banging on a trashcan, a Trustifarian slamming on an African tribal drum and a business man jangling his keys, slapping his knee, dancing saying 'oh yeah'. Please. Stop. It's disturbing.

Awkward Date is an Oxymoron Like Jumbo Shrimp

I think I'm just too awkward to date. Really. This guy comes into work today asking for a book on break-ups (yes, bad sign already, but still, he was hot.) And he's the lingering type--lingering stare, leaning on the counter, etc., etc. We have an awkward conversation about a multitude of things (various cities we've traveled to, books we've read, mountain biking? whoa, mockward.) And then, as I'm ringing him up and stepping abruptly back into the customer/merchant role-play, he asks for my number. I'm pretty sure a normal person, at this juncture, would flash a smile, say sure and get on with the day. Ah, but the curse of being awkward. I look at him as if someone just asked me the meaning of life and blurt out, "I don't know." And then I keep looking at him, trying to come up with something cool to say, but instead I tell him to read the book I've recommended and come back and tell me how it is. That's right, I've given him a homework assignment. Maybe if he actually comes back to tell me how it is, I'll have him write a little about the religious symbolism contained within Jesus' Son. Real romantic.

Holy Wow, That Was a Long Pause.

So sorry we haven't been keeping up with the blog for the last week. I'd love to say that we'd been doing really fun things in honor of Memorial Day or some other asinine faux-patriotic holiday, but no, we're just lazy. Also, I'm reading House of Leaves and I have become stuck within Danielewski's strange, frightening, kind of mediocre-ly written world. But By-Prozac, we're back!! And like Metamucil, we're going to stay regular. Awk-On.