Awkward-ature: The Pornographer's Poem

Ah, liberty. This book is hands down, impossible to put down for a slew of reasons. For one, the premise of the book is about some 7th graders who are given film instruction by a liberal teacher in the 70's. Sounds harmless, right? Except it's not at all. The narrator at the onset of the book is being interviewed by detectives for producing home-made porn. Awesome. This book is grotesque, sexual, explicit, amazing. It explores different sexualities, societal norms (for one the liberal teacher is black in an all-white public school and another teacher mentioned is an alleged child-molester who may or may not be an innocent homosexual.) The narrator of this book is extremely cool. Like, I kind of want to be him. He listens to awesome music, smokes a lot of pot, and dun-dun-dun--makes porn! Also, he fucks with the detectives a la Kevin Spacey in Usual Suspects. Dude, just read it. And talk about awkward--travelling with this guy (who never actually reveals his name) as he has sex for the first time, receives his first blow-job, has his first sam-sex hook up, and eventually tapes an older married couple having sex with an animal--sending him into a srot of seedy, avant-garde lifestyle of porn, drugs, and thugs. What what. A-mazing. Read, read, read. (Oh yeah, also hard to get...check out softskullpress.com) And as usual, check out some of the text that will literally fuck you up. First, background to paragraph--narrator is talking about rich kids in Vancouver.

"I sell them drugs because I enjoy the fact that these rich kids are getting all fucked up. And do you want to know something else? I've got a theory about this. I've got it in my head that if I get these rich kids all fucked up on drugs, then I'm doing humanity a service. D'ya know what I'm saying? Do you ever think about what a better world this might be if a whole generation of rich people got so fucked up on drugs they stopped spending all their time being greedy? And do you ever wonder how decent the world might be without all those rich people fucking things up? I mean, we could have a little equality for a change? Whaddaya think of that? Doesn't that sound good? Sounds pretty good to me. The rich are pimps as far as I'm concerned. And you already know my position on pimps."

What's not to love.

Awkward Survival: Saving Awkward Face. (Also Known As Lying.)

Ok, ok. So we go on and on about awkward moments, movies, foods, laughs, etc. But maybe it's about time we had a post for how to be less awkward--that is, if you can help it. Like the DARE program, we're going to set up some awkward scenarios (about once a week, no promises) that you can hopefully bypass should they ever happen to you (And no, unfortunately we won't be bringing in the K-9s and the thinly granulated sugar that looks like coke for in-class demonstration. I know, I always thought the stuff was real, too.)

Awkward Scenario of the Week: Don't you know ANYTHING? (feigning intelligence)

Snarker: Of course, you've read Orwell's essays right? (condescending look)

You: (nervous, flushed, possible ball sweat) Um. Yeah (Of course, you haven't.)

Snarker: Really? Which ones? (skeptical)

You: (FUCK!) [pretend to struggle here remembering which ones] It was soo long ago. Like national...? (Only an idiot doesn't know who Orwell is, so go with what you know. State, government, writing would have also worked--and if something doesn't just feign can't-rememberance)

Snarker: (Can't hold back his snarking) Notes on Nationalism?! (pleased with himself for being so smart, maybe a little ticked that you are too.)

You: Yeah. (don't try to elaborate here. Maybe throw in a That's it! I knew it was national something, but do not try to pretend to know the content)

Snarker: I mean, he was so smart, all that stuff with Vietnam going on. He educated me, you know? And that was 50 years ago...(blah blah blah). [Just say yes and when snarker gets all worked up about something be like YEAH! as if you knew what the hell was going on. Check your watch--you're late!] Oh man, I'm so sorry I totally have to go _________. Let's talk about this tomorrow. [Go home and read the essay before tomorrow--look up key criticisms and metaphors on SparkNotes or something so you can Snark the Snarker. And now, just because you have read the essay, doesn't mean you can go and Snark to someone else. Instead of being an ashole, why don't you just recommend it to someone and give yourself a good pat on the back? Also, our gold-star stock is running low, apologies.]

Awkward Observations

Wow...So I'm from New York City and I will not deny that people can be racist there. On the train, the street or in the bars I've overheard my fair share of racist comments. Sometimes people will laugh along (if everyone in the crowd is of the same racial profile which is almost never), but most of the time the people who overheard the comment will look at each other and say "Did he really just say that?" I feel like I can say that if I were to appear at a bar or a public place looking like I was from the KKK or the Aryan Brotherhood people would not be well receptive. In fact I would probably have to leave after getting numerous what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-this-is-2008 glances.

So I've recently moved to Orange County California believing that the west coast was this open-minded, ahead of their time, laid back utopia of surfers and spiritual organic bike riders. But alas! I have discovered a huge population of Neo-Nazi's that I assumed died out after the 90's. All I know about this culture is what I have learned from World War II history class and movies such as "American History X" and "Romper Stomper", and these movies did not glorify Nazi's but taught Americans (who should have already known) that we are all equal when it comes down to the core of it. We all want freedom, a job, a home, money, and companionship. So there's no need to kill each other over the small differences.

Apparently it has taken longer than I thought for people to get out of this mentality. I guess 200 years is just not enough time. I see these Nazi's everywhere and it bothers me because almost everyone in Orange County is white so it's not like these people really know the people they have decided to hate. This fucked up sort of racism only exists in places where everyone is white because they can still deny the truth because they don't have to see it. Does anyone else find this ridiculous? It's 2008 and there are Nazi's living in California. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In fact I don't want to take this pill I want to do something about this but I don't really know how to change someones opinion that has been shaped since birth. There's even Nazi fashion. I started to become paranoid that everyone was a Nazi so I spoke to my friend about the ways to tell if someone is a Nazi and not just a punk rocker. The easy give away is the shaved head and the swastika tattoos. If the person has hair and their tattoos are hidden they might wear bomber jackets with buttons all over them, but the buttons are all Nazi bands, not just regular punk bands and catchy phrases. They will also thread their boots with white or red laces, to represent blood on their shoes from stomping a minority's head in. Yes, I know this is revolting, but now that you know this you can avoid these people who are 200 years behind their time.

Sexy Semicolon! ( Awkward Crushes)

Check this out. Hot/dorky guys getting off on grammar! Awkward in this case is pretty much a given. I wish we could have come up with this idea, but all we've got thus far is this blog. Grab your sharpies and your Elements of Style and hit the streets like our new heroes. Awk-on.
(p.s. man pictured is not our crush, nor the subject of this post.)

He's Just Not That Into Your Awkwardness

Haha. Ok, I know the title. Lame. BUT, I just wanted to write a little post on the bloggitty about something that just happened to me. This person made it pretty obvious that I was boring him. Not only was he yawning, avoiding eye-contact, saying 'yes' to questions I hadn't asked him, he even actually said, "wow, I'm bored" and walked away. Does this happen to anyone else? Do you ever get so awkward that you actually cannot speak? What about this unnecessary list of things I've come up with to determine how awkward you are so I won't feel alone?:

1.) When you talk, do people have to ask "what" a lot...but in a kind of annoyed way, like 'what.' instead of 'what?!!?!'

2.) Do people laugh when you tell stories, but your stories aren't very funny? Like maybe you're talking about your best friend who has this serious meth problem and might die and the other person laughed--really inappropriately, mind you--right before you got to the part where you say that your friend actually did survive her overdoes and everything's ok now? (wait, did you laugh too?)

3.) Have you ever been asked a question right in the middle of saying something that has absolutely nothing to do with what you're talking about? Say for instance, you're upset about politics and the person you're talking at just asks you, "Do you like licorice? I mean, like good licorice?" (and despite your pride, do you answer?)

4.) Have you ever had to add unnecessary theatrics to a story or segment of something you're telling someone just to get their attention back? An example might be shouting REALLY LOUDLY something your co-worker never actually shouted, but you fear ignorance if you don't add emphasis? Do you use a lot of hand-gestures when telling the story so that even if people aren't listening, they can follow your hands, as if they were blind? Have you ever concocted a song out of events so that people will at least laugh because why are you singing (?) oh and they obviously aren't listening? (have you ever juggled random items from your coffe table to pique interest? Or better yet, done some sort of 'lighter-trick' that has actually resulted in a painful burn?)

5.) Have you ever lied to make what you're saying more interesting? Obviously your boss did not get naked and prance around the office after having a few too many drinks, but her blouse was misbuttoned and you've just taken off running with this story. Do you feel guilty after telling stories because so much of its false you fear you may be a pathological liar, but you just really wanted people to like you and your lie-story? (are you a pathological liar? would you answer that honestly?)

Congratulations. We're awkward. So awkward, that to normal people this translates as boring. If they only knew the dark confines of our minds... (that was an unintentional rhyme, but I'm not changing it.) RAR.

Tell Me Your Sign So I Can Judge You

Are you ever becoming acquainted with someone and they ask you when your birthday is? You answer, perhaps secretly hoping that they want to get you a birthday gift because the date is actually coming up quite soon and you're not really sure if your own friends are going to remember even though you slipped it into casual conversation a few times already. But a part of you already knows what's going to follow your answer. "Oh, so you're a Scorpio? That's very interesting. You're mysterious and secretive, and you have a very intense dark side. I better be careful because you become jealous very easily." You're in the middle of telling the person that you work with animals at a pet hospital and you are taking care of your mother who is suffering from Alzheimer's, but none of that matters. That's just what you do. You have shared your likes and dislikes, but the person still isn't sure who you really are. They have to know your sign and then it will all make sense. You're really an evil bitch because the date you were born on determines more about you than all the things you have done during your actual life. Maybe the person is beginning to think that you two probably shouldn't be friends because they are an Aries and they have read in countless Astrology books written by "experts" that these two signs just aren't very compatible. They don't want you telling them what to do and bossing them around. You are confused, the person seems to have doubts about your friendship. You should have made up a birthday, one with a sign that was friendly, outgoing and loyal. But you know nothing about astrology so you don't even know which sign that would be.

Does anyone else think that this is insane? I mean, mankind has been trying to prove that astrology is a reliable way to predict people and future events for centuries yet it has never been found to actually work in any way. It's all a gimmick, like how the ancient Greek priests would open up animals and study their organs during wartime (which was basically all the time) to predict if the war would be won and if important people would die. People thought that worked, but it doesn't and neither does astrology. Yes, I can be jealous and sometimes I do think shitty things about people but who the fuck doesn't? It's called human nature, get a book on psychology and stop trying to use sun and moon signs to tell me who I am. I think we need to stop looking for outside sources to tell us what to do and start looking with in ourselves. Let the revolution begin!

Awkward, Mockward

Round 2 kids. If you're awkward and you know it clap your unusually small hands! If you're mockward and you know it, point and laugh!

Awkward/Mockward

War Supporters/War Inc.
Hula-Hooping if over the age of 5/Bikhram Yoga
Methadone Maintenance/Herbal Supplement Substance Abuse Recovery
Palm Readers/Life Coaches
Fanny Packs/Designer Fanny Packs
Hysterectomy/Louis Vuitton designer Birth Control Cases
Knitting your own clothes/DIY wardrobes
Old Man Blackout Glasses/Heart-shaped glasses if over the age of 5
Necrophilia/Social Anxiety
Ms. Magazine/Bust Magazine
Anarchists/Socialists
Warm Milk/Triple Caramel Latte with 1 pump hazelnut, 1 pump vanilla, nonfat milk.
Security Guard at Concerts/Getting paid $200 a night to play your I-Pod at bars
Christopher Walken/Christopher Walken
Finnigan's Wake/Ulysses
Prince Albert piercings/Dermal Anchors
David Brent/Steve Carell
Cannibalism/Veganism
Following Nostradamus/Following Eckert Tolle
Writing your suicide note in blood/Posting your suicide note on your blog
Wearing red laces in your Doc Martens/Confederate Flag belt buckles
racism/elitism
atheist/agnostic

How To Break the Awkward News Gently

You've got a situation on your hands. Maybe your friend refuses to cross her legs when sitting in a dress. Perhaps you have a roommate who 'scratches' his nose too much in public. Whatever the case, it's always awkward telling someone you love (or like enough) to correct their socially unacceptable behavior. And we're not talking cool socially-unacceptable behavior--I mean the kind of thing that actually troubles you...that makes you go into the bathroom and dry heave or takes up multiple pages in your journal. So here's how I'd do it: (warning: please attempt at your own risk).

• "Ok. The farting thing was funny that time in college, like when it was an accident. But actually it smells really bad. And farting on command isn't a talent, it's actually kind of gross. I'm not crying with laughter, my tear ducts are trying to filter themselves out from the toxic odor emitting from your ass. Maybe you can save it for 'you-time' ya know? I'm tired of smelling your daily carb intake."
• "Hey your sniffling's getting a little out of control. At first, I was like 'how cute!' you have alittle sniffling cold. But it's gotten really bad. It sounds like you're trying to suck your nsoe into your brain. I can actually hear your mucus hit the sides of your nasal cavity. Quite honestly, I've started to grow weary of being around you because I fear one day I might get sucked up through your nose. And the worst is when I can hear you swallow it or see you chew on it. Dude, it's called Tylencol Cold and Flu. I mean, I'll buy it for you, for all of us who have to suffer."
• "I dig that you really like your food. I mean, that's totally cool--go food! I just get kind of nauseous when I can hear you mushing in your mouth. It sounds like something horrible. It's ok to swallow before you've mashed the thing in your mouth. I know CPR. Honestly, it sounds like masturbation--but it's coming from your mouth and it's completely unappetizing. Please close it up or force it down."
• "So I was walking into the abode today and I almost broke my face. Yeah! I kind of slipped on this substance right out on our walkway. Except it was goopish and green. And then I realized it most likely came from you beacuse you kind of have this annoying habit of emptying your sinuses on our front stoop. One, you should get out for an infection, two, you need to find a better receptacle or else I'm suing your ass when I end up a quadrapalegic becuase you're sliming the place up."
• "Ok, listen. Some things warrant high-fives. But not everything. You've become the high-five guy who everyone ignores because a high-five's just not appropriate at a funeral, at the opera. When I say something funny, I don't need your little high-five confirmation. If I see the hand again, looming there, waiting to be hit, I will fracture it. I'm just warning you before it happens."
  

Return of the Awkward Crazyman Quote Cantina!

He's back. Fuck yeah! And he's got a doozy today.

"What I remember when I was your age, there was the first woman to pull her baby behind her on a bicycle and the baby was killed and we're like that's not a very smart idea! And we're all surfers and stuff and we got the message right away on that one. They'll kill him or someone will be killed."

(?) I am going....to...close...the...computer...slowly...andrunbye.

Top 10 Awkward Comments of the Week

1.) "That little kid totally just checked you out"
2.) "You know, rehab was a lot more enjoyable than the psych ward"
3.) "I like guys until the story I've constructed about them is proven false"
4.) "What about a bicycle built for one and a half people? Disabled people need to get behind that"
5.) "You have abnormally short arm hair. You should get that checked out."
6.) "Barbara Streisand was the first woman to make four million dollars"
7.) "I wish I could blog, I'm sick of pretending God is talking to me"
8.) "In the event that the world comes to an end, I won't blow the mailman."
9.) "No, it was just me and a homoerotic book. And some guy with tatooey arms. Wait, that sounds bad."
10.) "My cats. They are going to kill me."

Kind of eh on the awkward scale. Send us some if you've got better. onwardawkward@gmail.com