They say friends are hard to come by. There's the whole awkward 'getting-to-know-you' stage where you're trying to be nice and friendly and supportive and interesting in order to lure them blindly into your selfish, neurotic, Mr. Hyde-like realm without them realizing what they're getting themselves into and go blindly running to anyone who isn't you. Maybe that's just me. In any case, making friends is hard and so I've come up with a few simpler suggestions in aquiring an adequate gaggle of acquaintances who you can con into becoming you BFFs for life (yeah, I just 16-year-old-girl-talked at you, apologies.) without having to go through the hazing like process that is normally required of such an acquisition. They are as follows:
- Join a cult! Aside from the potential risk of financial loss/bankruptcy and group-induced suicide, cults can actually help you make many friends in a very short amount of time. Just sing along and refer to whomever the big cheese is as he or she wishes and things should go smoothly. Be sure to have a real good down-and-out-story so you can pose as one of those real devastated types willing to latch onto any kind of community just to feel whole again. Caution: do not tell them you are joining because you need friends, this may lead to a premature, force-feeding Kool-Aid ritual.
- Become an alcoholic! AA is a great way to meet friends for life. Drink yourself into a stuper, lose your house, your family, your dog, and your mind. Wander the streets a little bit. Once you're completely hooked on the sauce, find a nice detox, chill out for a little while and buy yourself a Big Book. Hit up meetings, make coffee, complain about the new drinking problem you've acquired. Caution: Do not pretend to be an alcoholic, as it will surely remove you from the circle of trust--you must actually have one. If you really can't hone your inner alcoholic/addict, abort mission and refer to cult suggestion. Buying a round for your new friends is strongly not recommended.
- Become a MySpace slut! Maybe you already are, but if so and you still want friends, you must not be doing it to your full potential. Browse bands, leave messages that say "just stoppin by for some lovin" under a glittery pair of graphic boobs. Accept all friend requests. Get a webcam if possible. Even if none of these virtual friendships transpire to reality-based relationships, you'll still feel great everytime you sign on and read that guy's message who's always so interested in what you're wearing right now. Caution: Do not agree to meet anyone who has a default picture in which the person is sporting a mustache. Stay away from meeting under bridges or in parks past 9. Do not agree to go out with girls who really want you to go to this club with them so they can ask you questions about where you want your career to go. Don't have MySpace-message-cybersex, that's just really fucking pathetic.
- Open a crack-den! While the downfalls to this suggestion are huge, it is a sure bet that you will never be physically alone. Rip up your furniture, ash your cigarettes on the carpet, break a window or two and get blankets form GoodWill because it's going to get cold. Tell everyone that they can always come over no matter what time and they can do whatever they want. Laugh when people break your things. Don't freak out when people start smoking out of your broken lightbulbs. Give yourself a cool nickname like Jimbo or RawDog. Caution: This may lead you to AA suggestion and you may have to give up substances forever. Of course you can always get in a knife fight, get gang-banged, get murdered, get arrested, and die. But you will probably die next to someone who will promptly steal your drugs and fuck your girlfriend before calling an ambulance. And maybe to you, that's better than dying alone.
- Go to church! More than once and on Easter. Go to church as if it were the local bar. Talk to the priests or the ministers or whatever and begin calling them by their first names. Actually listen to the sermons. Take notes if you have to and ask your 'neighbor' what she thought of it. Bake cookies and pat little children's heads. Say things like 'precious' and 'darling' and 'bless her heart.' Pray and be prayed for. Attend all Bible Studies, Church board meetings and midnight masses. Feel the light of God. Caution: You may actually start to believe in God. Your kids will most likely not. You may or may not begin wearing grandpa sweaters and whistling. Avoid chiming in on racist jokes--that's just not cool, man.
- Join a therapy group! Yes, it will cost you, but the people in your group will have to listen to your most deep-rooted issues and will be forced to be supportive because they are paying too. Read Freud and Jung, listen to books-on-tape that have men with beards on the cover and a Dr. prefix. Blame your parents for everything. Use "I feel" statements and be supportive of other by saying "I think what I'm hearing you say is..." Relate to everyone even if you don't think your situation is relateable (everything is). Caution: You may not like what is uncovered. You will not like listening to the woes of seven other people. You will spend a lot of money and might just gain seven new enemies rather than friends. Give advice only when asked for it.
- These are just a few, let me know if you have any other suggestion by e-mailing onwardawkward@gmail.com. Success stories welcome. Failure stories wanted.
No comments:
Post a Comment