Getting Awkward

This can be defined by the following scenarios:

• leaving long rambling phone messages only to get cut off mid-sentence because it was way too long
• laughing at death or terminal illness
• squirming from text-convo silences
• telling jokes without punchlines
• stalking
• snarking
• attempting to sit down on chairs and missing
• talking really loudly about someone behind you
• seizure-dancing, saying "awkward" outloud
• laughing too loud
• not listening to conversations because of loud head thoughts and then trying to infer what they've just said when they ask you a question about it
• getting sweat-tank tans
• trying to interject a comment to someone next to you at a cafe while they're on the phone before realizing that it's creepy to do so
• coining lame catch-phrases like 'sham on!' and 'knarly' and reciting them to people who do not use such terms
• wearing your gang colors to an LAPD police benefit
• getting lockjaw when trying to eat a baguette sandwich
• making mixed cds for a guy who breaks up with you on myspace 2 days before he receives them because you're too much for him
• telling your boss ____ just died so you can go to the LA Times Book Festival and then he's there because he's a writer, remember?
• seeing famous people and looking the other way as if you don't know them because you're so cool even though they won't notice you trying not to notice them nor will they care if they do
• seeing famous people and commenting on how fans are 'so annoying' before asking for an autograph
• seeing a police officer on the other side of a divided highway and being so freaked out that you make an illegal right on red and consequently receive a ticket
• taking bong-rips before a party to 'loosen up' and end up sitting in a corner watching an intense game of strip poker while everyone asks; "you ok, man?"
• wanting to quit your job but not knowing how to quit your job so you just don't return your boss' phone calls or e-mails and run away when you see him rollerblading downtown
• waving back to someone who definitely wasn't waving to you or just waving to someone because you think you could be one of those friendly types and the guy looks back at you like 'you fucking creep' thus halting the action mid-wave
• not noticing someone on the phone and proceeding to engage in the conversation you think they're having with you despite their annoyed eyebrow arches and headshakes
• divulging secrets about your best friend who happens to be this 'really cool dj' to gain you street cred with this guy who's also a really cool dj and now you aren't friends with either of them
• being intimidated by wealthy welldressed teenagers
• gleeking at the wrong moment (is there a right one?)
• farting and being really quiet so they won't think it's you but it is you because it's just you and them
• saying goodbye while someone's still talking and then they say goodbye but you're still talking and you hang up wishing you'd never called them in the first place because the goodbye was so uncomfortable
• tripping on mushrooms at an exclusive resort and feigning a French accent to ask for "cOHca cOHLA s'il vous plait," but the bar's not even open and management asks you to please leave because you're scaring the guests
• lighting a ciagrette backwards and you are not drunk
• when asked a question and you accidentally burp the answer
• spitting on your own shoes, being sober at Coachella
• saying JINX! when you said something and thought the other person said the same thing but they really didnt and now they're looking at you bewildered because who still says JINX! when they're 22
• drinking coffee like a cool guy and overcompensating your wrist-pivoting abilities and dribbling all over your new shirt and laughing because it's just a stain! but really you're upset and it's ruined you're whole night and fuck that stupid coffee cup
• putting on Strangers With Candy and not telling anyone and they all look over because you're repeating every line really loud like a robot or a SWC cult freak and for some weird reason nobody else gets why it's funny that an ugly 40-year-old woman goes back to highschool but fuck them she stole the TV! and they turn the music up
• putting coins in your pocket when you don't have pockets and leaving them on the ground when they fall because you don't want to pick them up but everyone's looking at the quarters on the ground and you actually need them for the parking meter but there's no way you can pick them up now, no way.
• saying "i'm so awkward" when after saying something awkward and no one says no; they just smile and nod and steal glances at one another
• singing really loudly to a song who's words you thought were different
• rapping when you're a twenty-something female wearing a seersucker skirt
• exaggerating a story and then admitting to exaggerating a story and then realizing that there is no story without the exageration and quietly trail off becaue everyone's stopped listening anyway because it was so unbelievable and that was the draw, but now that they know you were making it up they all think you're a liar
• being put on anti-anxiety medication and not the fun kind but the really serious like whoa-you-actually-are-awkward-kind and accidentally letting it slip that you forgot to take your meds this morning
• having to pretend you care about some stupid lady's baby at your work and even offering to hold the baby because you think you're supposed to do things like that and then get worried because the lady walked away and the babies crying and you hate kids
• having a roommate who won't quit doing leg-lifts on the floor and so you're stuck in your room because you don't want to walk over her but you really have to pee and so you sit there and wait for her to be done even thought it's really bad now and hopefully you don't get a UTI you just wish she'd stop and why are you paying $800 a week to share a room anyway and fuck the economy
• trying to console someone who's crying and inadvertently laughing or patting her back too hard and she chokes a little and you're sorry
• losing someone's camera and telling him that this homeless guy stole it and then he finds it in your closet because you told him he could borrow your shaving cream
• urinating in a porta-potty
• having really bad ideas but you just can't stop sugsting them and you almost get high off of how many bad ideas you can come up with and now it's fun like a game and you just have to come up with more and more and someone just looks at you and says "will you shut up" and you blink twice and leave with your notebook of bad ideas
• silkscreening a shirt backwards so the logo or the text doesn't make any sense but you still wear it because you think you're cool (you silkscreened it yourself!) and everyone always asks you what it says with a look like 'you're an idiot, it's backwards'
• Segways and scooters
• high school and office parties
• when the neighbor's dog runs immediately to your crotch everytime it sees you
• starting a blog called onward awkward.
• This could go on forever (and I think it just has), but you get the gist. Send your awkward moments to onwardawkward@gmail.com and we'll post it on a Top Ten Awkward Moments List every Monday--yes, we actually will and yes, we're this lame.