Cute? Or Creepy.

Ah when we’re awkward, there’s such a fine line between cute and creepy. Because 'cute' to awkwardists may mean 'creepy' to the average folk. So then at what point does cute become creepy? Some instances of definite line crossing found in the best cesspool of social deviance--the bar;

1.) The relator. We have everything in common. I mean, everything. At first, finding similarities is entertaining and comforting. You feel you have a special bond with Mr. Coors because he went to the same YMCA for swim lessons that you did. AND you were both minnows. Things, however, start to take a creepy turn when he literally has everything in common with you. Same dog name, same college major, same favorite artist, same double-jointed big toe. This is when you stop providing the information first and stop enabling Mr. Ripley.

2.) The name commenter. Your name’s Alice? My sister’s name is Alice, I love that name. Who doesn’t like their name to be complimented? It could go the other way when you introduce yourself and the belligerent dude behind you shrieks ALICE?! NOT ALICE. THAT’S A BAAAAAD NAME. Within seconds you are informed about some horrible Alice who tried to kill him, stole his projects in advertising school, was crazy, etc. As he’s grabbing your wrist and shaking you because of the PTSD that’s been triggered thanks to your name, you may want to tell him he hadn’t heard right. It’s Sally…yeah SALLY. And you can fake laugh until you track out an escape route.

3.) The drink buyer. Thanks, that’s so nice! A free drink! Especially with the economy, how great, generous, etc. Until he orders you another one and another one and another one. You’ve hardly taken a sip and you’re staring at a row of greyhounds. Maybe they’re for him (something in common?), but no, turns out he doesn’t drink. That’s right, he’s stone cold sober and you’re only a fifth as drunk as he likes ‘em. Declare you have to go to the bathroom as he pulls the five drinks in and “keeps them safe for you.’

4.) The fly. A guy pops up next to you. You smile, kind of blush and he smiles and kind of blushes. Cute. You make your way to the stage and you’re doing some kind of rabbit dance when you hit someone and….it’s him. What a coincidence. You move stage right and you’re pogoing and sway to your left and you say sorry! But it’s him and he just smiles. Soon you’re in the bathroom and he’s outside the door, you’re at the bar ordering RedBulls and he’s in the seat next to you. Smoking a cigarette, his hand juts out from no where, holding a steady flame. Yup, you got yourself a bar stalker, find fake mustache.

5.) The watcher. Dancing, you notice a guy across the audience watching you. You meet eyes, etc and it’s cute in a tragi-emo-hipster kind of way. But the next song, he’s still watching you and you shrug it off; you’re a pretty good dancer after all. But song after song, he keeps watching and you start to lose a bit of rythym. You keep looking over your shoulder paranoid that maybe this guy knows you from somewhere else. Maybe he’s the guy who prank called you a month ago and pretended to be a serial killer (that never really got resolved, afterall). What if he’s a narc and knows you’re holding? The music grows faint and your blood’s beating in your ears. Ditch the show before you panic-seizure the two grams out of your pocket and all over the dance floor.

6.) The drug guy. Sure why not? It’s been a while. You smoke a joint out back, do a line in the bathroom—whatever your forte. You thank him and part ways. How generous. But in fifteen minutes he’s back and wants another go around. You kindly turn down his offer but he won’t let up. He’s got you by the arm dragging you to the bathroom so he doesn’t feel pathetic doing it alone and he’s talking the whole time, going on and on, asking you questions, not caring if you answer. Soon you realize you’ve become the drug-guy’s babysitter and he’s quite an addict. P.S. There’s no such thing as free drugs.

7.) The DIY cell phone guy. He’s asking for your number and he’s, well, very attractive. You go to type it in. But he wants to see it, he’ll type it in. How nice. Until you notice him going through your text messages and taking a ridiculous amount of time to punch in ‘ROB.’ You ask for it back, but he’s not done yet. Finally, after a good five minutes of pestering, you get your phone back and immediately go to erase his name, but it seems as though he didn’t even get around to doing that. Five days later, you’ll be going through your contacts and find Mr. Big Cock. Erase.

And good God, this was only in twenty minutes of observation. Must. Rekindle. Faith. In. Mankind. Awk on.

"Wanna Hang Out?" Awkward Excuses Not To.

1.) "If I hung out with you, then I'd have to hang out with everyone I didn't want to. I have to draw the line somewhere."
2.) "I get along better with animals, so if you have a cat..."
3.) "I have to go get drunk first. Call me in an hour, I'll be down for anything by then."
4.) "I TiVo'd this thing on the History Channel about Hitler...wait, I'm not a nazi. I just like history. No, really, I can't hang out."
5.) "I have to wax something"
6.) "I can't. I'm depressed. I can't do anything, actually."
7.) "I have other plans, it just might take me a minute to remember them."
8.) "I have to go to a meeting" (and it's 9 p.m.)
9.) "I'm working on saying no, so maybe next week?"
10.) "Can't. I've got a wicked bout of staph"
11.) "On weekdays, I just like to hang out naked and eat ice-cream, sorry"
12.) "Ah, no. Warcraft Wednesdays."
13.) "I have to finish my E-Harmony personality test."
14.) "My P.O.'s coming over tonight actually"
15.) "I just came down. Hang out? yeah right."
16.) "I've got to get right with God."
17.) "I'm practicing magic tricks. I've almost got em down."
18.) "My WebCam show airs tonight. Cross your fingers!"
19.) "I'm actually trying to have sex with my neighbor tonight"
20.) "I have to feed my mother"

Awkward Laughs (Haha)

Because it was funny, until that laugh started. Some of the basics:

1.) The Are-You-Dying-Laugh. Sounds like choking, barfing, swallowing toxic waste. All of a sudden there is a lot less humor and a lot more concern for laugher's well being.
2.) The Too-Loud Laugh. Holy Shit. Keep it down. We're at a restaurant and everyone is having a good time except someone has called the police per noise complaint. Everyone is looking over, but not because of the witty comment, because of the unreal noise coming from your mouth. Eardrums hurt, please be quiet.
3.) The Burst Laugh. Whoa, did you just hiccup, have a little mental break? Because the laugh so loud and quick and unexpected that you're not even sure if that really happened now and you're inching...inching...toward the door and away from the closet-psychotic person.
4.) The Honking Laugh. Like a goose, but you're a person. (?)
5.) The Non-Laugh Laugh. Um, that was actually funny--what was just said. Like really funny. Everyone is rolling and cool guy over here makes a little noise in his throat and a tight smile. Totally killed the joke and the mood and now nothing's funny, just awkward. Awkward.
6.) The Are-You-Crying-Laugh. Need tissues? Wait, you're actually shedding tears, but your laugh really sounds like sobbing. And everyone else has stopped laughing to see if you're alright, if something terrible happened. Great. Now everyone is uneasy because no one likes being a bully.
7.) The Not-Laughing-And-Just-Saying-That's-Funny-Not-Laugh. If it was so funny, maybe you should have laughed. But saying 'that's funny' makes things really not-funny. Because funny things usually are followed by bouts of laughter, not verbal confirmations that a funny thing was said. Stop up on Prozac, you're weirding everyone out with your robotic communication skills.
8.) The-This-Laugh-Will-Never-End-Laugh. Ok, ok it was funny. You're right. It was funny, but now you're laughing at me, trying to get me to laugh more and I'm good, really. I've laughed all I can laugh, but you're egging me on with your constant laughing and now I'm just pissed because I'm over it and I wish you would be too.
9.) The Phony-Car-Salesman-Laugh. If you didn't think it was funny, how about just not laughing? The fake laugh, like yelling is irritating and weird. And don't take that extra step to hold your stomach and wipe your eyes that aren't tearing. Don't look at me to make you actually laugh because I'm looking at you bewildered that you'd even think anyone would buy that lame laugh you're passing off as authentic. Especially when I know for a fact you hate that guy.
10.) The Silent Laugh. Like you're shaking, convulsing even, but there isn't a sound. No, we aren't at the library, we're at a comedy show and you're sitting there gyrating like an epileptic in strobe lights. Actually, you're kind of turning blue and I wish you'd make a sound because who knows if you kicked that heroin habit and it's kind of embarrassing because surely, you're about to explode, implode, or retch all over somebody. It's cool buddy, release the beast.
11.) The Ho-Ho-Ho-Laugh. It's July and you can replace all your 'ha's' with 'ho's'. You aren't jolly even, you're a 23 year old guy bordering on emaciated. So why are you laughing like you have jowls and a spectacle? Please stop, you're scaring the kids.
12.) The Wow-That-Was-Inappropriate-Laugh. Laughing to someone's 'I've got cancer' joke isn't cool because it, um, wasn't a joke, Ace. If you find yourself laughing when those around you are either crying or glancing at you horrified, you're probably an unappropriated laugher. Just so you know, it's not really ok to laugh at funerals or ICU wings.

When Awkward Shit Hits the Normal Fan

So you've just said/done/ate something awkward and it was um, less than well-received. Here's some suggestions to rectify the sitch (yes, as in situation):

• "You know, I used to smoke PCP. I was really crazy then."
• "I just did that to see what you would do. And you gave me a weird look. That's good. Like, you're not weird because you thought that what I just did was weird. But it was supposed to be, get it?"
• "My parents were drug addicts."
• "I'm an only child. And I was home-schooled. By my aunt. She was home-schooled too."
• "Yeah, I did that. And I liked it. A lot. Stop looking at me."
• "My friends actually appreciate my quirkiness. You know, I have friends."
• "When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead."
• "You're looking at me like 'how could I do that' but I think the look you should be giving me is 'why did I do that.' It's the whys in life that matter, kiddo. The hows are just so ordinary."
• "Whatever, I saw you pick your nose yesterday and eat it. Checkmate."
• "Haha! Tell me honestly, was that a scary-weird thing I did or like kind-of-cool-in-a-strange-way thing I did? My acting coach says I need to work on awkward moments. Thought I'd just try it out on you. So? Feedback, feedback!"
• "If we were in the future and you were blind, that wouldn't have really happened...I mean in a philosophical sense, you know?"
• "You have cat hair all over you and I didn't look at you like that when you walked in this morning."
• "I was hired to do things like that. Office comic-relief. Laugh all you want, I get more benefits and I just heard you were getting canned. No, but actually, you're fired. I can do that. I just did."
• "Or I could be boring like you, thumbs-up!"
• "If I pay you $10 bucks, can you not tell anyone about that?"
• "Wow. So much for Casual Fridays, eh? Loosen up Warden."
• "Wait. Mulligan!"
  
• "I'm originally from Canada, humor doesn't translate well."
• "In office-life, I smile at you and pretend to like you. In real-life, it's hate. Get away from me, I have boundary issues."
• "That was really weird. I'm hoping that because I'm letting you know that I think what I just did was weird that you'll excuse it, because at least I'm aware. I can't be all nuts if I know I'm nuts, right?"
• "I'm sure it wasn't as awkward for you to watch that as it was for me to do. Don't judge."
• "It was people like you in high school that make me do things like that now. Thanks. Life's been hard, but I manage pretty well, wouldn't you say?"
• "I might be crazy, but you're dumb and you can't pass that off as art."
  

Nature Lashes Out, Makes Us Awkward

Global Warming's got nothing on nature (oh wait, well yeah, I guess it does), but it's got nothing to do with this post. Awkward Moments as caused by Mother Nature:

1.)Wind. You walk out of the house (after spending an unreal amount of time getting ready, you narcissist.) And there it is, at your hair, at your skirt hemline, revealing granny panties to the world. With your umbrella. Actually, why even explain this, when there's a German Ad on YouTube that's kind of entertaining (except that their trying to sell the wind or something?) Anyway, this explains it. Wind=Awkward. And the guy who plays the wind in this video is horribly awkward-looking, so maybe just check it out for that.

2.) Rain. If you're wearing flipflops and now you have old-flip-flop-slime, which you'll probably trip and fall on, or slide into someone outside your office. Also, ruins makeup, hair, clothes, life (for you melodramatics). Rain also makes driving unbearable in Southern California (and yes, Albert Hammond, it does rain in Southern California, citizens of which just blackout every time it does.). Makes everyone into a foul, rodent-looking creature. Also, makes stinky things stinkier (stinky's an awkward word).

3.) Snow. Break out the ugliest clothes ever! Got your gloves, your hat, earmuffs? Congratulations you are a big, dumb five year old. Just because it snows doesn't mean you have to ask for marshmallows in your hot chocolate, you're still a grownup.

4.) Sleet. Awkward because what the hell is it? Is it raining? Snowing? Icing? All you know is you're wearing a baliklava and you're face is still all cut up like a Krugger victim. You try to walk to work carefully, carefully, but you slip and fall because that's what happens unless you wear cleats (and why would you wear cleats?) Also, makes sound on windshield like diahrea.

5.) Unbearably Hot Weather. Work is only three blocks away, but apparently you just ran the New York City Marathon. You're sweaty and you stink and so does everyone else. Women sport sweat 'staches, men have swamp ass, and you smell like the city sewer because the world is decomposing at bionic speed. Ick.

6.) Dust Storm. Because why are you anywhere where there would be a dust storm? Are you a hitchiker? A shaman? Anne Heche? You can't see and you're dirty and maybe you just reenacted a scene from the Bible. Find Shelter and a shower.

7.) Humidity. It's hot, or not. It's not windy, not really anything, except you're the swamp thing. Your hair has been styled by Tina Turner, you just got into an accident because you can't see shit while you're driving and are you sweaty or clammy? Both are awkward because you're gross and tired, swimming through your day.

8.) Fog. Fog's just an awkward setting period. Take San Francisco for instance, the Flagship Awkward City. Living here is like living in a bong. Everyone talks about the fog like it's the boogie man ("I bet the fog'll roll in later", "I just hope the fog burns off before noon", "Oh the Fog just settles in on the city in the summer, you know like Mark Twain said") Fog is creepy, thus awkward. Will you run into Jack the Ripper? Will you get hit by a bus? Are you going to kill yourself today? Or maybe just smoke a joint because going outside feels too apolocalyptic to handle. And you stoned is awkward enough for everyone.