I swear to God that poop is not mine!

Do you know what's fucking awkward?

Explaining to your friends why you got dumped by your 19-year-old boy toy (you’re in your mid-20’s) when the reason is so that he could have more time to play video games.

Accidentally getting your coworker too high on Xanax at work because he “wanted to know what it would feel like” and you knew where to get some and now all the other employees are like “Brian, did you get enough sleep last night? You’re working at like 10% capacity today!”

When your friend starts crying because she asked you if your friend was into her and you said you didn’t think so, and now you’re sitting in the middle of a restaurant and she’s all “but I thought everyone thought I was hot! I mean aren't I hot?” but she's not at all and you have a horrible poker face so you try to save it by saying, “you have a boyfriend, you shouldn’t care” and the waiter looks like a deer caught in female hormonal headlights and he's like “do you guys need a minute”, but you’re secretly text messaging your friends to “drop by unexpectedly” and save you because you don’t know how to deal with weeping women even though you are one. There...just pat her on the back. Help will arrive soon.

When you’re the lunch lady at a cafeteria, and you have to wear that hair net and apron, and 14 year old boys from sports camps hit on you and you sort of play along but a part of you is seriously checking them out because they’re really buff and you’re honestly trying to picture what they’ll look like in 6 years, let’s not lie, 4 years, and your boss totally calls you out on it because you didn’t realize that while you were putting together this mental picture in your head you were staring inappropriately at young boys.

Having someone from your class poop on the floor of the girl’s private bathroom when you’re the next person in line, and you know it was her because there’s no other class going on in the building but she tries to pass it off as the person before her, but there was nobody before her and the poop is fresh. Then you go back to your class and she announces that someone “did something gross on the floor of the girl's private bathroom” and winks at you, thus incriminating you as the phantom pooper, when you know well that the pooper is no phantom.

Being publicly accused of being a racist by 6 black girls in your Linguistics and Hip Hop course during a class discussion and now you can’t participate at all because it’s a race and ethnicity class and all the questions are racially controversial. Is it really fair to pull out the race card when a poor white girl is just trying to get some goddamned class participation points? I mean, you guys definitely lowered my grade in that course.

When your “bros” walk in on you crying and listening to Bon Iver because you just got dumped by a 19-year old.

When you get caught shoveling piles of taco salad into your mouth while kneeling behind the counter at the cafeteria by your boss and she feels so bad for you that she lets you make a plate and eat it, but now you have to eat at the same table as your other co-workers who are on break because you’ll look like some weird aloof anti-social asshole if you don’t, but you just want to be that cool loner in the lunchroom because they all smell bad and weird you out. Can you still be a cool loner in the lunchroom?

Getting dumped by your boyfriend after accusing him of being gay. You realize in retrospect it was probably a sensitive subject. Now you have to explain to your friends that you’re an asshole